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| Posted by The One on 09-Aug-2005 | Computer doctorOne day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better....
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| Posted by Tiocfaidh ArLa on 09-Aug-2005 | Damaging FoodA dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.
"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
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| Posted by Rikki d. Beriault on 09-Aug-2005 | Shooting the BullTwo hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.
They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
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| Posted by Dinesh SJ on 09-Aug-2005 | Time offTwo men working in a facory were talking. "I know how to get some time off," said one.
"How are you going to do that?"
"Watch," he said, and climbed up on a rafter.
The foreman asked what he was doing up there, and the man replied."I'm a lightbulb."
"I think you need some time off," the foreman said said, and the first man walked out of the factory. After a moment, the second man followed him.
"Where do you think you're going?" the foreman shouted.
"I can't work in the dark," he said.
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| Posted by eric s. jozovich on 09-Aug-2005 | Real happinessThen there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
until I got married; and by then it was too late!
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| Posted by bob pope on 09-Aug-2005 | AttractiveWomen will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the
opposite sex.
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