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| Posted by Flick Funny on 12-Aug-2005 | Condom Sponsors!Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms. They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.
Imagine the trademarks:
Nike Condoms: - Just do It
Toyota Condoms: - Oh what a feeling
Ford Condoms: - The ride of your life
Sony Condoms: - Do not underestimate the power of Sony
Microsoft Condoms: - Where do you want to go today?
KFC Condoms: - Finger Licking Good
M&Ms Condoms: - Melt in your mouth, not in your hands
Coca-Cola Condom: - The Real Thing
Ever-Ready Condoms: - Keep going and going
Macintosh Condoms: - It does more, it costs less, it's that simple
Pringles Condoms: - Once you pop, you can't stop
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| Posted by Joshua R. Cameron on 12-Aug-2005 | Dog Named Sex (Classic)Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine "Sex". Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I was looking for Sex."
My court case comes up next Thursday.
One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said "I would like to have one too!" When I said "But this is a dog," he said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was two years old."
He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex."
He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.
My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night", and the clerk said,"Me too."
One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, "Show off!" I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married" and the Judge said, "Me too."
When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, "Me too."
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Well, Sex has died and left my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely."
The doctor said, "Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn't man's best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?"
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| Posted by CuTiE BaBiE on 12-Aug-2005 | Under The TruckA middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.
His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.
"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?
He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.
"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there.
Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
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| Posted by Jayne L. San Jose on 12-Aug-2005 | Who Enjoys Sex More?A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women.
Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
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| Posted by jarmo two on 12-Aug-2005 | Dead Cow & The MermaidOn a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
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| Posted by Gary Cooper on 12-Aug-2005 | Smell His Fingers!One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The mother said to the young man, "That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!"
The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's arm behind his back and yelled, "Doctor, my ass! He's going to be our son-in-law. Smell his fingers!"
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