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| Posted by Roxie R. Bass on 09-Aug-2005 | Constant ErectionA guy walked into the doctor's office wanting a an appointment for some surgery.
"Would you like to tell me your problem?" the pretty receptionist asked. "I'll need the information for the doctor."
"It's rather embarrassing," the guy stammered. "You see, I have a very large and almost constant erection."
"Well, the doctor is very busy today," the receptionist cooed, "but maybe I can squeeze you in."
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| Posted by sorin s. dohanes on 09-Aug-2005 | Annual Check-upA guy goes for his annual check-up, and about a week later his doctor calls him in to give him the results.
"Well," says the doc, "You're in pretty good health, however I do have some good news and bad news for you."
"Give me the GOOD news first." requests the guy.
"You're penis is three inches longer than it was on your last physical."
"That's GREAT!" exclaims the guy, "but what's the BAD news?"
The doctor replies, "It's malignant!"
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| Posted by Amanda Hugandkiss on 09-Aug-2005 | SmileWhat not to say to your wife.
Smile for me, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
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| Posted by beach bum on 09-Aug-2005 | Irritated CrotchA little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch.
After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?"
"Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies.
"Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it."
Two weeks later it??™s raining really hard and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please you have to help me!!"
"Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table.
"Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am this won't hurt a bit."
The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that."
She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?!"
To which the doctor replied, "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."
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| Posted by Scooby on 09-Aug-2005 | Your Car Need Clean12. Greenpeace won't let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.
11. Neighborhood kids offer: "Mow your Volvo, sir?"
10. Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.
9. Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.
8. "Wash Me" appears on your trunk -- chiseled with a jackhammer.
7. Its impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.
6. Your "cell phone antenna" is really a sapling which took root.
5. The kids are convinced that those crumpled old newspapers at the floor of the car are housing varmits.
4. Visits to the farm always result in pigs squaling around your tires.
3. Kids write "PLOW ME!" on your trunk.
2. When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.
1. That rank smell coming from under all those McDonalds bags? The missing cat!
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| Posted by Fred A. Tisdale on 09-Aug-2005 | Health InspectorThe City Health Inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes when he see that he is not wearing a shirt. The chef then proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.
Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing up this infraction when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked and bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.
"That's nothing," said the manager, "you should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!"
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