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| Posted by ~SwEeT*HeArT~ on 14-Aug-2005 | Control...There are two lines for men waiting to enter the pearly gates of
Heaven. One line is marked for men who have been controlled by
their wives. The line is huge and extends for miles and miles.
The second line is marked for men who have controlled their
wives. In that line is standing one meek-looking man. St. Peter
walks up to the man and says, "Excuse me, are you supposed to be
in this line?" And the little old man responds, "I think so. My
wife told me to stand here."
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| Posted by HymenBreaker on 14-Aug-2005 | Things Guys Should Know About GirlsThings guys should know about girls:
1. Don't ever lie to us; we always find out.
2. We don't enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy
listening.
3. Don't say you understand when you don't.
4. Girls are pretty, but yours is the Prettiest!
5. You don't have PMS; don't act like you know what it's like.
6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing
something sweet will always get you off the hook.
7. If you talk about having a big Dick; we know you don't.
8. Size does matter, but only to hoes; not girls that want
relationships.
9. We don't like it when you act like Mr. Big.
10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys not us.
11. No matter what you say, your ex-girlfriend is a hoe.
12. It's good to be sensitive, sometimes.
13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.
14. Be spontaneous; dinner and a movie won't always cut it.
15. We are self-conscious by nature; we can't help it.
16. We are DrAmA queens.
17. Fashion police do exist.
18. Don't ask us to give head; if you are nice you just might
get it.
19. We absolutely DO NOT care about monster trucks, car systems,
paintball, or anything else you and your friends talk about.
20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
21. We don't shave our legs everyday so get over it.
22. Don't make bets about us; we always find out.
23. Shave; no matter how cool you think your goatee or beard or
mustache looks, we hate it.
24. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emitt other
strange gases from your body, it is not.
25. Don't compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson's; hers are
fake, just remember that. (You have a better shot at ours
than you ever will with hers)
26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.
27. We are beautiful at all times.
28. We will always think we are fat, so humor us and tell us we
aren't.
29. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys,
and hit a little baseball with a stick, so why the hell can't
you piss in the toilet and not on it.
30. Most importantly: we are always right; so don't forget it.
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| Posted by Chris S. Porter on 14-Aug-2005 | Men vs. DogsWhat do men and dogs have in common?
3: You have to take care of them.
2: They don't come home when you call them.
1: They both try to fuck every bitch they see.
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| Posted by Audrey K. Veneck on 14-Aug-2005 | Things a Perfect Woman Would Say1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a
few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to
play on Saturday too.
14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy
yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's
sake. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20.Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip
joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire
and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night
feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for
ya...
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| Posted by churchboybrian on 14-Aug-2005 | Sex RiddlesHow many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They let the bitch do it after she finishes the dishes.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Why did God give men penises?
So we'd always have at least one way to shut a woman up!
How do you know God meant for men to eat pussy?
Why else would he make it look like a taco?
How can you tell if you've been fucking your girl too much?
Stick your thumb in her asshole and your middle finger up her snatch. If
you can hear yourself snap your fingers, ease off a little.
What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
It's braille for "suck here".
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
What do you call pulling off a woman's panty hose?
Foreplay.
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Did you hear about the woman so fat she couldn't get out of bed?
She kept rocking herself back to sleep.
Why is a woman like a dog turd?
The older she is, the easier it is to pick up.
What's the difference between a woman and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't follow you around once you've used it.
How does a woman know that she is overweight?
She's lying at the beach and people from Greenpeace try to push her back
into the sea.
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| Posted by statik shok on 14-Aug-2005 | For the GuysWhy do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
Why were shopping carts invented?
To teach women to walk on their hind legs.
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you're
going to want to shoot it.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can
tell them apart.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
How many women does it take to paint a wall?
It depends on how hard you throw them.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was
Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to
interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many.
Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%...
wedding cake.
Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
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