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| Posted by John Doe on 14-Aug-2005 | Cookie Care PackageA woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while
stationed in Saudi Arabia a few months ago. So she sends him a
care package.
He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds
that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of
his favorite TV shows.
He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting
around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some
episodes of South Park. Right in the middle of one episode the
tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his
best friend's dick.
After a few seconds, he does his business in her mouth and she
turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie
dough. She then looks at the camera and says, "By the way, I
want a divorce."
Now THAT'S a Dear John letter!
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| Posted by smiler44 on 14-Aug-2005 | Potential vs. RealityA teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He
asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference
between potential and reality?"
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, "I'll display
it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she
would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back
and tell me what you've learned."
The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out
what his father means. He asks his mother, "Mom, if someone gave
you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His
mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her
face says, "Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone
gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His
sister looks up and says, "Omigod! Definitely!"
The kid goes back to his father and says, "Dad, I think I've
figured it out. Potentially, we're sitting on two million bucks,
but in reality, we're living with a couple of sluts."
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| Posted by house b. big on 14-Aug-2005 | Son's PrayersOne night a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God
bless Mommy and Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot
about it. The next day, the Grandfather died. About a month or
two later the father heard his son saying his prayers again "God
bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting
more than a little worried about the whole situation. Two weeks
later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God
Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This alone nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say
anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would
miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he
got home he apologized to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a
very bad day at work today." "You think you've had a bad day?
YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?", the wife yelled, "The mailman
dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
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| Posted by Bekah A. Smith on 14-Aug-2005 | SnailsA wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some
important guests. The wife was very excited about this and
wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any
snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run
down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the
door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman
strolling alongside the water just a little further down the
beach.
He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would
even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering
the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was
standing right over him. They started talking and she invited
him back to her place. They ended up spending the night
together.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh
no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his
bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way
to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was
in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he
dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just
then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering
where he's been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at
her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're
almost there!!"
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| Posted by Kevin A. Mccarthy on 14-Aug-2005 | Why We Love KidsA small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later,
"Da-ad..." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of
water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes
later... "Da-aaad...." "What??" "I'm Thirsty!Can I have a drink
of water?" "I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank
you!" Five minutes later......"DAAAA-AAAAD......" "WHAT!!" "When
you come in to spank me...can you bring a drink of water?"
********************
One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was
tucking a small boy into bed. As she was about to turn off the
light he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you
sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a
reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said " I have to sleep in
Daddy;s room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky
little voice: "The big sissy."
********************
During the Sunday morning service all the children were invited
to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly
pretty dress, and as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and
said "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The
little girl replied, directly into the pastors clip-on
microphone, "Yes, and my mommy says it's a bitch to iron."
********************
Finding one of her students making faces at the others on the
playground, Mrs. Smith stopped quickly to reprove the child.
Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I
was told tha if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and it would
stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith,
you can't say you weren't warned."
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| Posted by robert battle on 14-Aug-2005 | Mail the PhotoTwo high school sweethearts who went out together for four years
in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their
virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they
wanted both to go to the same college but, the girl was accepted
to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on
the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to
spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never
be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the
letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his
messages.
Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He
didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and
emails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed
with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to
get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her
sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her
old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend,
leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more
so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and
Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!"
and mailed the picture to her parents.
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