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| Posted by Ned Ryerson on 14-Aug-2005 | Cooking Up TroubleTwo confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said the first, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?" asked the second.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish and....'"
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| Posted by Regina C. Swenton on 14-Aug-2005 | New Courses for MenClass size is limited to 10 as course material may prove difficult.
Agenda
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. P.M.S. Learning To Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How To Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas - Give Us $$$$$
6. Understanding The Female Responses To Your Coming In Drunk at 4am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques - (Formally Called "Don't Wash My Silks")
8. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
9. You - The Weaker Sex
10. Reasons To Give Flowers
11. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But The Bathroom
12. How To Stay Awake After Sex
13. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
14. Sex 101 - You Can Fall Asleep Without It, If You Really Try Sex 102 - The Morning Dilemma - If It's "Awake", Take A Cold Shower
15. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
16. How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
17. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate And Not Get Lost
18. The Remote Control - Overcome Your Dependency
19. Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
20. How Not To Get Younger Than Your Children
21. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
22. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked
23. Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works
24. The Attainable Goal - Omitting @#$% From Your Vocabulary
25. Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
26. Real Men Ask For Directions
A COPY OF THE ABOVE ENDED UP IN OUR LOCAL SHERIFF'S HANDS SO HE DECIDED TO HELP UPDATE THESE COURSES....
While I certainly can't dispute some of the coursework you've listed in such a cavalier fashion, you forgot to show some of the classes that males take great pride in.
They are:
1. Eating Straight Out of the Can . . . an environmentalist approach
2. Flatulence As An Art Form
3. If It's There, Why Can't I Touch It? The key to understanding women
4. Duct Tape - 101
5. Duct Tape - Advanced - The Magic Silver Strip
6. It's Mine...I Can Scratch It...Assertiveness training
7. Cooking for Fun and Sex
8. Beer Gargling ... Prerequisite is Chemistry 101
9. How To Make Your Woman Really Hot (blow your nose on her curtains)
10. Cussing to Make Your Point (Sub. for Speech 101, Asshole)
11. Cooties - How to Check Girls for Them
12. How To Order at a Fancy Restaurant
13. How To Slip Out Without Paying At A Fancy Restaurant
14. How To Have Great Sex
15. How To Have Great Sex With A Partner
(Advanced Only) Dr.Suite, CEO of the PyBRUs Chapter "Men can be amusing, really" offers courses for women who want to better understand their men. Courses are limited to 50 per class (this curriculum is usually easily assimilated by the female gender).
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| Posted by samuel h. duham on 14-Aug-2005 | The Male Prime Directives* On car trips with the family, never ask for directions when you're lost... Just keep driving aimlessly around, searching for the mysterious Lost Street of the Damned. Navigate by the seat of your pants like the great Lewis and Clark explorers of old.
* But it's okay to stop for directions when driving with another guy: because he won't sit patiently as you pass the same McDonald's for the third time.
* Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on both sides.: It's all about who's out in front.
* Even if you don't know a hub cap from a distributor cap, never admit you're a stranger to the male domain of auto mechanics.... If your car won't run and you're at a loss for words, try "Could be a cracked ring. Have you checked the compression?"
* A real man doesn't need the instruction sheet to figure out something as simple as programming his new VCR: but to cook something as simple as oatmeal, a guy will follow the recipe with the exactitude of a chemical engineer.
* Don't confess that you know little, and could care less, about a particular sport, especially if it's during the finals.... "Yeah, that Bo, he's really something. WOW!, did you see that hook shot!."
* Never admit you don't understand a political issue....Opinions are like whiskers. You're not an adult male without them.
* There's no need to consult the TV Guide when there's a remote control handy: Just divebomb through all 51 channels, evading commercials like flak, in the never-ending search for a suitable landing spot.
* If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel.: It's unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your feet.
* Never pay one of your buddies a compliment. Instead say things like "Where'd you get your haircut, the school for the blind?" or "Who is that awesome blonde I saw you with, and what are you going to do for a date once she meets me?"...He'll instinctively get the message that this means you value his friendship.
* A man should make as much as or more money than his girlfriend or wife. He should be as tall or taller, and at least as smart. Naturally, he should be able to outplay her in many activity, from Ping-Pong to chess: Having met these requirements, he should be liberated enough to be unconcerned about such things.
* When you're in the men's room alone you needn't wash your hands when you're finished: but if another guy is in there with you, scrub your hands as if you were preparing for brain surgery.
* Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other guys: That's between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank Sinatra records.
* Don't tell another man your deepest hopes or fears.: That' s like saying, "How do you like my suit of armor" It's only got two weak spots in it -- here and here."
* Every guy should be hip about guns.: Hand an economics professor a Remington, and even if he's never been with 100 light years of a gun before, he'll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally act like a reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo.
* When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women's lingerie department .: Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fanblades of Death.
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| Posted by Fasty F. Fasty on 14-Aug-2005 | Men's Guide to Women's LanguageSo all you men know how to understand what women are saying!
********* Men's guide to a Woman's language **********
She says English --------- --------
You want You want
We need I want
It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want You'll pay for this later
We need to talk I need to complain
Sure...go ahead I don't want you to.
I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron
You're...so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not I'm on my period overreacting!
Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house. I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper...
Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not going to like..
I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.]
Yes No
No No
Maybe No
I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it.
I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
******** In answer to the question "What's wrong?" **********
The same old thing. Nothing.
Nothing. Everything.
Everything. My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. It's just that you're such an jerk.
I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up evidence against you.
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| Posted by Rhino on 14-Aug-2005 | Words from WomenI'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. --- Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. --- Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. --- Rita Rudner
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. --- Roseanne
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. --- Rita Rudner
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. --- Susie Loucks
This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" --- Judy Tenuta
He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. -- Carol Leifer
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. --- Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to. --- Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men woeld be wearing them. --- Sue Grafton
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. --- Roseanne
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. --- Sue Kolinsky
I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. --- Dolly Parton
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? --- Wendy Liebman
"I think - therefore I'm single." --- Lizz Winstead
"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." --- Elayne Boosler
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --- Gilda Radner
"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --- Maryon Pearson
"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." --- Bella Abzug
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." --- Margaret Thatcher
"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary." --- Margaret Atwood
"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." --- Gloria Steinem
"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." --- Gloria Steinem
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --- Katharine Hepburn
"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." --- Marie Corelli
"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." --- Baroness Edith Summerskill
"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" --- Linda Ellerbee
"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." --- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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| Posted by shelby on 14-Aug-2005 | New Drugs for MenWith Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society. (This is making the rounds.)
DIRECTRA - A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost, compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions.
PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks -- especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
CAPAGRA - Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.
PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.
LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
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