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| Posted by Yazzer on 10-Aug-2005 | COOPERATIONAt one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do
you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first,
you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
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| Posted by Marc Lippman on 10-Aug-2005 | EQUAL BUT NOT THE SAME"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created
equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.
1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw
a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the
nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look
just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy
in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your
home to the church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's
a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has
made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and
play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to
tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a
quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two
weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting
their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start
painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy
accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because they're too lazy to cut them.
Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because
they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys
are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6,
girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to
make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off
the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times
in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.
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| Posted by Bryan H. Kritis on 10-Aug-2005 | ANATOMY OF A MOTHERTHE HEAD -- Often covered with hair, the head should have all the essential
parts:
EARS -- Ears should be well-placed, incredibly attuned to a child's
uttering- i.e. "you suck!??? even when spoken under the breath and in another
room. Yet strong enough to tune out the loudest music of "Hootie and the
Blowfish" when preparing dinner.
EYES -- Eyes can be of any color, should be able to see (although there have
been many very successful mothers who were blind- they simply used the
all-powerful "eyes at the back of the head" tool). Expression should be soft and
gentle, yet capable of "shooting bullets" at appropriate times. I, on occasion,
use the "I will turn your little butt to salt right here" look in times of
extreme stress.
NOSE -- Ah, the nose, able to smell a soiled diaper at 50 yards! I have not
found the "bigger is better" theory at work here. I have known mothers with tiny
little turned-up noses that look completely ineffectual, actually "scent" the
time (10 minutes) when her little offspring smoked his/her first cigarette. A
fantastic feat, it was a treat to watch her. She made one small error once-
completely understandable- she mistook the Scotch he tried for a single-malt,
rather than a blend. I could forgive her this- she was a Gin drinker.
MOUTH -- Not quite as large as Rush Limbaugh's (God forbid), nor as small as
Bettie Boop (I do not think she would make an effective mother). It should be
able to sing a soft, albeit, out-of-key nursery rhyme, or raise the rafters when
"mother" is displeased. My only absolute rule it that it should never, never be
used to insult, demean or humiliate the child. Anger is all right, but verbal
abuse is forbidden. Also, the mouth is needed for eating -quite often, and in
small doses usually, because mothers do not have enough time to actually sit
down to eat a full meal at one time- "mom, I need this done now", "mom can you
take me here now", "mom where is my....," "mom, come here and look at this!" and
the dreaded, "oops...Oh God.....MOM!!!!!"
SHOULDERS -- The actual size is not so important, I know many women who even
enhance their size due to fashion styles. It really doesn't matter, as long as
they can bear the weight of the world occasionally and then much more often
during High School.
BREASTS -- Here is where you all get treated to an honest to God mother-type
lecture. So hunker down and just listen. These particular accouterments to the
human body are there for one reason, and one reason only - Milk Machines! They
were put there to nourish a baby and when the time comes, boy is they handy! Now
I realize that there are some women out there that look like they could feed
Nicaragua single-handedly and some (as, ahem, myself) that look as if they were
drier than the Sahara Desert. But let me assure you that the good Lord provided,
just such a large range of sizes to make some men look like idiots in their
admiration of something that every other mammal in the world has. If we could
get this through our thick skulls, so that many women did not feel inadequate,
then my work as 'Semi-Super Woman' would be done.
STOMACH -- This includes the waist, which I have not had since 1971.
Seriously, I jump right from bottom of the rib cage to top of the hip-bone, with
a huge pinch of extra skin in-between. It is truly amazing to me that I lost it
so suddenly and did not even hear it drop. This particular part of the body can
change dramatically from woman to woman after having a child. I, myself,
developed stretch marks that have had gynecologists spending enormous amounts of
time trying to decipher hidden pictures that they are sure that they can see.
Sort of like a Rorschach test game. I have had friends who have had 5 babies and
have a stomach that you could bounce a dime off, and not only that, there's not
a mark on them. (I, as a matter of fact, have lost several coins in the folds of
my big belly, but I look at it as a kind of retirement fund).
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| Posted by wayne cort on 10-Aug-2005 | THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACHMy Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION ...
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING ...
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE ...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to
me!"
My Mother taught me LOGIC ...
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE ...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD ...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get good job."
My Mother taught me ESP ...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR ...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about SEX ...
"How do you think you got here?"
My Mother taught me about GENETICS ...
"You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS ...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE ...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
And my all time favorite... JUSTICE...
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll
see what it's like."
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| Posted by jake3_14 on 10-Aug-2005 | RESIGNATIONI am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I
would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with
rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on
a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple; when all you knew were
colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you,
because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the
things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good...
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by
the little things again.
I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork,
depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in
the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice,
peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So... here's my check book and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K
statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss
this. Further, you'll have to catch me first, cause... Tag! You're it!
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| Posted by sea chelle on 10-Aug-2005 | LIGHTS OUT FOR THE CAMERONSThe Cameron children are the sort of kids who really light up a room, and then
are content to leave it lit until all the electricity in the country has flowed
through our circuits and out into the night. I'm developing carpal tunnel
syndrome from the repetitive motion of turning off the lights after them, and
can't understand how they could possibly fail to notice a blazing light bulb,
for crying out loud. When I walk into the house in the evenings, every single
room is as brilliantly lit as a hospital operating theater. The little wheel
that measures the electricity sluicing through my home spins inside its glass
case like a CD player, and no one can walk within 100 feet of my yard without
casting a shadow. It looks like the grand opening of a sporting goods store.
My teenagers are the worst. Not only do they require every bulb to be lit, but
they can often be found in front of the television, the phone to their ears, the
stereo blaring in the background. "I'm doing homework," they'll protest when I
ask them to choose between one of the appliances. They use this as their
universal alibi for everything. If I were to catch them in the middle of an
armed robbery, I'm sure they would claim it was for a school assignment.
I've tried to explain to my family that as responsible Americans, we all need
to preserve precious natural resources like the W. Bruce Cameron bank account.
"I have no desire to have the nation's next nuclear reactor named after me," I
advise them, but they don't seem to get it. It makes me wonder whether the power
company isn't paying them off after school.
Let's be reasonable. The furniture hasn't moved. There are no falling objects
in the living room. We don't need to turn on the lights unless there is
something special we want to look at.
"But we have to do our homework!" my children protest.
"Remember Abe Lincoln?" I challenge them.
"No," they respond, "We don't remember Abe Lincoln because you won't let us
turn on the lights so we can study."
"Very funny. Abe Lincoln never had electric lights. He studied in front of a
fireplace, doing math by writing numbers on a shovel."
"You mean his teachers let him turn in homework written on a SHOVEL?" My son
laughs, delighted.
"Also," I recall from some book I read once, "he held his brother up to the
ceiling to make footprints or something."
"What was that, gym class?"
"The point is, we have to reduce our use of electricity."
"Which is why your father is giving up watching sports on the television," my
wife chimes in.
I give her a stern look. "Let's stay focused on what we're interested in,
which is what I'm saying," I admonish her. It is a primary tenet of good
parenting that parents should be unified when it comes to matters of my policy.
"Also, whenever the thermostat is set above hypothermia, we have to turn it
down," she cautions. "And children, you will all need to learn Braille so you'll
be able to read in the dark. Showers will be limited to seven seconds--if you
can't wash your hair in that time, there's always the hose." She smiles sweetly
at me. "Oh, and I'm going to the store tomorrow--tell me how much homework you
have so I'll know how many garden tools to pick up."
"Instead of listening to music on the stereo, we should all just sing!" my son
suggests.
"There's no sense in using the telephone when you can shout," my
daughter affirms.
"Flushing toilets more than once a month is an extravagance!" they hoot.
"Never open the refrigerator! Doing laundry is communist!"
Well, there's no point trying to reason with them--they're laughing too hard
to pay attention. "As soon as you're finished I'll begin passing out
punishments," I state menacingly.
"What are you going to do, make us sit in the dark?" my daughter shrieks,
holding her sides.
Half an hour later, when I stroll in to check on the thermostat and turn off a
few of the lights, they're still laughing.
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