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| Posted by david m. stwert on 09-Aug-2005 | Cops in oldies homeAn old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.
As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again.
Then the same old man jumps out of a room and says,
'Excuse me, ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?'
She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.
He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again, up and down the halls, weaving all over.
As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out.
He's stark naked and has an erection.
The old lady in the wheelchair looks up and says,
'oh no, not the breathalyzer again.'
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| Posted by Mike J. Bowers on 09-Aug-2005 | Lost old man
When I went to lunch today, I noticed this elderly man about 75 to 80 years old sitting on a bench near the shopping centre sobbing his eyes out.
I stopped and asked him what was wrong.
He said, 'I have a 22year-old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly brewed coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'
He said, 'She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon.'
I asked again, 'So why are you crying?'
He continued, 'For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until midnight.'
I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'
He answered, 'I can't remember where I live.'
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| Posted by aSiAnIcEcUbE on 09-Aug-2005 | Magic shoesA married couple were on holiday in Pakistan.
They were touring around the marketplace in Karachi looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'
So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, 'I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.'
Well, the wife was interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'
The Pakistani said, ???just try them on, sahib.'
Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes - something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power.
In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani, bent him violently over a table yanked down his pants and ripped down his own trousers, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs.
The Pakistani began screaming, 'You have dem on de wrong feet!'
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| Posted by Laurus S. Sutton on 09-Aug-2005 | Pecker falling offOn having business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Chinese prostitute in Hong Kong.
Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird, green, festering sore growing on his penis.
He went to his doctor, ???Doctor Jones???, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation.
Joe was horrified, and decided to get a second opinion.
Joe contacted Doctor Smith and showed him the green growth.
Doctor Smith said, 'I am sorry but Doctor Jones is correct. We must amputate right away.'
Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor.
They must deal with this all the time.
He went to Doctor Chu Wong.
Doctor Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said, 'These Western doctors - so quick to Chop, Chop, Chop. Amputation not necessary'
Joe was relieved. Doctor Wong said, 'You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own.'
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| Posted by Saber X on 09-Aug-2005 | Bare back...An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down.
An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.
She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, the Indian let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'yahoo' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service station attendant.
'Nothing,' shrugged the woman, 'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians ride bareback...'
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| Posted by Ashley Barth on 09-Aug-2005 | Martian sexThe year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough air points.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, and all things about how they make money.
Finally Maureen brought up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
'Pretty much the way you do,' responds the Martian woman.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom, where the Martian strips.
He's got a teeny, weeny member about 2 cm long and 1 cm thick.
`I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks, 'What's the matter?'
'Well.' she replies. 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow.'
'No problem,' he says and starts pulling his ears. With each pull his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, and they fell into bed and make mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks Maureen, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
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