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| Posted by dontrell on 11-Aug-2005 | Corporate Lessons!A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"
The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.
Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized. "Sorry sister, but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance, and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!
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| Posted by Dan Sabo on 11-Aug-2005 | Rectum StretcherPulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.
Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed "I can't break this! I need exact change."
"Come on buddy." Jack pleaded, "Can't you give me a break, just this once?"
"Nope. Sorry. Exact change!" Answered the collector.
"While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, "Do you really like this job?"
"Well it's not the best job that I've ever had, but it pays the bills," replied the collector. "what do you do for a living?" he asked.
Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
"A what?" asked the collector.
"A rectum stretcher." Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.
"What does a rectum stretcher do?" The collector asked.
"Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums." Jack explained setting aside a nickle.
"Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?" The collector asked.
"Oh you'd be surprised. It's real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It's the new trend." Jack said.
Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, "Well if you don't mind me asking, I mean if it's not too personal, how big do you, well you know...?"
"...How big do I stretch them?" Jack interupted. "Most of them, not too big," He continued, "but I have stretched some up to six feet."
"SIX FEET!" The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. "Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?"
Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, "Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls."
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| Posted by Tuck on 11-Aug-2005 | The DreamsA husband and wife had been fighting for 3-4 days.
The next morning they got up and were still not talking. The wife broke the silence by saying she had a dream last night.
The husband asked her about what.
She said she had a dream she was at an auction. They were auctioning off Penises. The little ones went for $500.00 and the big ones went for $1000.00.
The husband throws out his chest and curiously asked what one like his went for. His wife told him bluntly that they were giving them away as door prizes!
Her husband non-chalantly brushes this aside and tell his wife that " I had a dream last night too. They were auctioning off Pussys. The loose ones went for $500.00 and the tight ones went for $1000.00.
The wife, not quite thinking he would come back at her asked him how much one like hers sold for.
Sell? The didn't sell yours... where in the hell do you think they held the auction!
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| Posted by julian t. mansfield on 11-Aug-2005 | Ernie the HamsterIf you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish It's a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!
Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me, "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"
I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)
"Honey," I called, "come look at the hamster!" "Oh, my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" My son demanded.
"But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce!" I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?!" She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" My son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!" They shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" My son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" My eldest daughter wanted to know," Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in hislap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.
"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
"Is Ernie going to be okay?" My wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.
"This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen Ernie is a boy."
"What?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um .... er ... masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this.
"So Ernie's just ... just ... excited?"! My wife offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!
"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just ... that ... I'm picturing you pulling on its ... its teeny little ..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
"That's enough," I warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.
Enough said.
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():sex jokes (1888): One day Confucious say... |
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| Posted by Laura Nowicki on 11-Aug-2005 | One day Confucious say...Confucious say...
...woman sitting in jelly have her ass in jam.
...man with penis in peanut butter, fucking nuts.
...man who puts penis in vaccuum cleaner, get sucked off.
...boy who lay girl on hill, not on level.
...man who lose key to girlfriend apartment, get no new-key!
...he who finger girl during period, get caught red-handed.
...he who smoke pot, choke on handle.
...woman who wear g-string, high on crack!
...he who stand on toilet, high on pot!
...boy who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution on-hand!
...girl who bathe in vinegar, walk around with sour-puss!
...man with hand in bush, not nessarily trimming shrubs!
...man who masturbate into cash register, soon come into money!
...he who masturbate, screw only himself!
...he who walks thru airplane door sideways is going to Bangkok!
...dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs!
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():sex jokes (1888): The Geography of Men and Woman |
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| Posted by Jamaahl Boxx on 11-Aug-2005 | The Geography of Men and WomanThe Geography of a Woman
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Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair's a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
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Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick.
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