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| Posted by Eric Farmer on 14-Aug-2005 | Country VirginThere was a virgin who wanted to marry a farmer boy. One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking they came upon the 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she's never seen anything like this before so she asks the boy, "What are they doing?"
He says "They're making love."
"Well, what's that long thing his sticking in there?" She asks.
"Oh, uh, that's his rope" he answered.
"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she asks.
He says "Those are his knots"
She says, "Oh, Ok I got it."
As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, "I want you to make love to me the way those animals were."
Surprised and excited, the boy agrees. While they're getting at all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes.
"Whoa, what are you doing?" he shouts.
The girl innocently replies, "I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope."
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| Posted by Pappy Smear on 14-Aug-2005 | Playing with a BirdOnce upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied.
The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
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| Posted by Richard T. Icke on 14-Aug-2005 | Need Condoms?This guy was at the supermarket and after buying a few things he began to queue up in this really long line for the checkout. After about 15 mins in the line he reached the checkout girl and just at that moment he remembered that he needed some condoms, not wanting to line up again he said to the girl "Oh I meant to buy some condoms but forgot", to which she replied "Do you know what size you are ?" and he said "no".
The girl then said "OK drop your pants and I'll tell you what size you are", the guy then, not being the shy type, drops his trousers and the girl has a feel with her hand and then says in the microphone "1 packet of large condoms to aisle 3 Please", he pulls up his trousers, the condoms are brought to him and he pays his bill and goes on his way
Another male customer sees this and thinks he'd like to have this nice girl fondling his manhood and so says the same thing to the girl and a similar course of events takes place only this time after having a feel she says "One packet of medium sized condoms to aisle 3 please", the condoms are then brought to him and he pays the bill and goes on his way.
Also watching this course of events was a rather excitable 15 year old boy who then decides to queue up and try the same routine. Upon reaching the checkout girl he says " I'd like to buy some condoms please, but I forgot" and the girl replies "Do you know what size you are ?" and he says "Nope" and then she asks him to drop his trousers and she has a feel, after which she says into the microphone "Mop and Bucket to aisle 3 please!"
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| Posted by Imfuktup Man on 14-Aug-2005 | What am I?This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.
When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.
What am I??
As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own . . . . . . . toothbrush. What were you thinking you pervert?
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| Posted by Andrew Jameson on 14-Aug-2005 | Too CloseThe modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence "If you can read this, you're too damned close" embroidered on her panties and bra.
"Yes madam," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters ?"
"Braille," she replied.
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():sex jokes (1888): Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate |
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| Posted by Dan Harrigan on 14-Aug-2005 | Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate~ You get an angry phone call at 2 AM. describing your barking dog as "a real turn-off."
~ Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.
~ Your wife forbids you to do yard work.
~ Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.
~ Your son: "C'mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!"
You: "Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are."
~ The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.
~ Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.
~ There's always a traffic jam on your street when she's mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.
~ You've spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are -- or if she even *has* any.
~ Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she'll "bring the buns."
~ After helping her trim her trees, your husband bring home more wood than you can handle.
~ There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sound like the Indy 500.
~ You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you'd like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.
~ Her occupation is listed clearly as "Playboy Playmate" on the restraining order she just took out against you.
~ Your local Domino's new guarantee: "Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!"
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