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| Posted by Big Fat ASS on 11-Aug-2005 | Covering It UpHaving gone to his secretary's apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. "My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!"
Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife. "Honey!" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I escaped!"
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| Posted by Christopher C. Lewis on 11-Aug-2005 | Cheap DateWorried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.
The son calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so, I think."
"Well," said the Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."
"To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."
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| Posted by gamma on 11-Aug-2005 | Cards for the ExA man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives."
The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."
"Really?"
"Yes sir. They're called darts."
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| Posted by Shirley Chan on 11-Aug-2005 | Breaking Up Is Hard To Do"Breaking Up Is Hard To Do..."
(especially when you share the same major!)
PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.
SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
RELIGION: Each prays for reconciliation and/or curses G-d
ARCHAEOLOGY: One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.
THEATRE: "OH MY G-D! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"
BIOLOGY: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"
PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.
JOURNALISM: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."
WOMEN'S STUDIES: "HE did it!"
BUSINESS: Both decide that they're spending way too much money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.
HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.
GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.
ANATOMY: "I never liked your body anyway."
ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.
ENGLISH: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete with introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesn't really say anything substantively intelligible.
EDUCATION: Both concede that the relationship was a learning experience.
COMPUTING: "Man, this bytes -- we just couldn't interface" and/or "His hard drive was more like a floppy."
E. ENGINEER: "It's just so shocking... I'm sure there are positives and negatives, but..."
ARCHITECTURE: "There just wasn't much to build on anyway..."
JEWISH STUDIES: "OY! You should feel so guilty!"
PHILOSOPHY: If 2 people break up in a dorm and there's no one to witness the breakup, are they really single?
ZOOLOGY: They were able to mate like banshees, but lacked sophisticated communication skills.
PHYS. ED.: They punch each other out in frustration.
CHEMISTRY: "It was just the wrong chemistry between us..."
COUNSELING: Each urges the other to, "Get help!"
MUSIC: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in some parts, a country song) to express his or her sorrow.
LAW: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement.
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():love jokes (2491): Being Married to a Blind Man |
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| Posted by dontrell on 11-Aug-2005 | Being Married to a Blind ManTwo deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."
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| Posted by robert battle on 11-Aug-2005 | Australian Love PoemOF COURSE I LOVE YA DARLING
YOU'RE A BLOODY TOP NOTCH BIRD
AND WHEN I SAY YOU'RE GORGEOUS
I MEAN EVERY SINGLE WORD
SO YA BUM IS ON THE BIG SIDE
I DONT MIND A BIT OF FLAB
IT MEANS THAT WHEN I'M READY
THERES SOMETHIN THERE TO GRAB
SO YOUR BELLY ISNT FLAT NO MORE
I TELL YA, I DONT CARE
SO LONG AS WHEN I CUDDLE YA
I CAN GET MY ARMS AROUND THERE
IM TELLIN YA THE TRUTH NOW
I NEVER TELL YA LIES
I THINK ITS VERY SEXY
THAT YOUV GOT DIMPLES ON YA THIGHS
I SWEAR ON ME NANNAS GRAVE NOW
THE MOMENT THAT WE MET
I THOUGHT U WAS AS GOOD AS
I WAS EVER GONNA GET
NO MATTER WOT U LOOK LIKE
ILL ALWAYS LOVE YA DEAR
NOW SHUT UP WHILE THE FOOTYS ON
AND GET ME ANOTHER BEER!.....8 )
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