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| Posted by Eric J. Herboso on 14-Aug-2005 | Creation and Life ExpectancyGod created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly
from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass
and you lack intelligence. You will live for 40 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 40 years is too much. Please,
give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the
dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat
his table scraps and live for 30 years."
And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 30 years as a dog is too much.
Please, no more than 15 years." And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are Monkey. You shall
swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you
shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the
world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it
was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational
being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery
over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for
20 years."
And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.
Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog
refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20
years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he
is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and
eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to
live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.
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| Posted by Nickynoodle on 14-Aug-2005 | Perfect CoupleThere was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was,
of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving
their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when
they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being
the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa
Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any
children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded
Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately,
the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and
Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the
accident. Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer.)
The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the
first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is
no such thing as a perfect man...
(Women, end e-mail here.!!!! Men, keep scrolling.)
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect
woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car
accident. (By the way if you are a woman, and you are reading
this...this brings up another point...women never listen
either....)
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| Posted by Michelle Wy on 14-Aug-2005 | Rules chicks don't understand1. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
5. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of
the tides. Let it be.
6. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
7. You have enough clothes.
8. You have too many shoes.
9. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us
to like it.
10. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and
your Dad probably is too.
11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
12. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.
13. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning.
14. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
15. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
16. It is neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz
together.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we
know how pretty you are?
20. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
21. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.
22. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do
we.
23. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their
right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
24. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the
off-ramp, you saying, "This is our exit," is not strictly
necessary.
25. Nothing says 'I love you' quite like a blowjob in the
morning.
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| Posted by Tom C on 14-Aug-2005 | RulingEverybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want
the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women
on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their
women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and
there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their
women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their
women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created,
you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the
only,one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell
them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
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():gender jokes (1878): Men are from Mars, and Women are from Venus |
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| Posted by Teresa Jeffries on 14-Aug-2005 | Men are from Mars, and Women are from VenusMen are from Mars, Women from Venus RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH
PROFESSOR:
You know the book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well,
here's a prime example of that. This assignment was actually
turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name
deleted) and Gary (last name deleted).
English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Prof. Miller
In class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem
story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the
person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will
write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will
read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the
story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so
on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written
each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over
when both agree a conclusion has been reached. And now, the
Assignment as submitted by
Rebecca & Gary:
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted.
The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings
at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said in
happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must
now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness
was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her
asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack
squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things
to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic
bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over
a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his
transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of
resistance so far...". But before he could sign off a bluish
particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through
his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him
flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before
he felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the
one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards,
Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful
farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing
War and Space Travel", Laurie read in her newspaper one morning.
The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth when the days had passed
unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no
television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at
all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's
innocence to become a woman?", she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu-udrian mothership
launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The
dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace
Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless
target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to
destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of
the treaty the Anu-udrian ships were on course for Earth,
carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With
no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical
plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere
unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85
million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that
treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature.
My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate
adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.
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| Posted by emmi e. SHORTYMODLE on 14-Aug-2005 | Great to Be a GuyReasons it's great to be a guy:
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- Movie nudity is virtually always female.
- A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
- Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained
weight.
- Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
- When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at
every shot of somebody crying.
- All your orgasms are real.
- You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere
you go.
- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
- Your last name stays put.
- You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
- Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
still be your friend.
- You don't have to shave below your neck.
- None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
- You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
- If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
- You can write your name in the snow.
- Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
- Flowers fix everything.
- You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
- Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
- You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
- Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a
room.
- You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
- You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
- You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without
ever thinking "He must be mad at me".
- The world is your urinal.
- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
- One mood, all the time
- You never have to drive on to another gas station because this
one's just too skeevy.
- You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
- You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustment.
- Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
- You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back.
- With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
- You don't mooch off others' desserts.
- If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
- The remote control is yours and yours alone.
- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a
littlegift.
- Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
- You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
- You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
- You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the
bathroom.
- If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't
tell your other friends you've changed.
- Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
- You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Screw
it."
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
just might become lifelong buddies.
- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice
anything different?"
Things that suck about being a guy:
- The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists for over $200,000.
- External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
- Even if you get your head caught in an industrial wood
chipper, you're not allowed to cry.
- Ribbed for her pleasure - not yours.
- You have to wear ties.
- You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
- "Women and children first."
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