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| Posted by kristin n. marek on 09-Aug-2005 | Cross-eyed cowThis farmer has a cross-eyed cow that keeps bumping into things. He calls up to vet to try to remedy the problem.
The vet says. "I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the cows eyes will straighten out. The vet - a 70 year old man - inserts the pipe and blows. The cows eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon looses his breath and the cows eyes are crossed again. The vet gives it another try, but looses his breath again. The vet looks at the farmer - a young healthy man - and says, you look like a strong man, why don't you give it a try.
The farmer agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the cows ass, turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow.
Holy smokes, says the vet. What in the hell did you do that for.
The farmer replies, "You don't think I am gonna put my mouth on the same end of the pipe that you had your on."
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| Posted by nanny-goat on 09-Aug-2005 | Finger in soupOne day a man went into a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup. The waitress brought his order out to him on a tray with her middle finger immersed in the middle of his soup bowl.
"What the hell's the idea of putting your finger in my soup bowl?" the man bellowed at the waitress.
"My doctor said the best thing for my rheumatism was to keep my finger pressed in a warm damp place," the waitress informed him.
"Oh yeah, " the man shouted, "then why don??™t you take that finger of yours and shove it up your fat ass?"
"I'm sorry sir", the waitress replied, "but I already tried that before I brought your soup out."
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| Posted by bar jokes on 09-Aug-2005 | Man goes to ladiesA man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside.
The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!".
Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world!
The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.
Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.
When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"
The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"
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| Posted by Tim Lucky on 09-Aug-2005 | New PatentsThere was this guy at the patent office counter and said," I want to patent this Peach."
The clerk asked,"What's so special about your peach?"
The guy said, taste it, so he did. He told the guy it taste like a peach, so what? He then said, turn it around! The clerk took a bite and said,"wow, this tastes like an apple! You have your Patent!"
Then the next guy walks up and said,"I want to patent this cookie!"
The clerk said,"now what is so special about your cookie?"
In return the guy said, "It tastes like a woman's snatch!"
The clerk said "I gotta try this" so he took a bite. He then said," Oh man, this tastes like shit!"
The man at the counter said, "Turn it around!"
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| Posted by Hibbs on 09-Aug-2005 | Sean ConnerySean Connery goes to lunch with his business manager.
He excuses himself to go to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes back, and the front of his pants are all wet.
His business manager says, "Sean, what's the story? Do you need an
operation or something?"
Sean Connery says, "No, it's just that every time I go into a public
restroom, and I'm taking a piss, the guy next to me always turns towards
me and says,
"Hey! Are you Sean Connery?"
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| Posted by Jon R. Markman on 09-Aug-2005 | Vacuum SalesmanAn enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house
in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady
opens the door and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs
inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this
up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"
She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned
on yet."
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