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| Posted by ann h. moose on 13-Aug-2005 | Marriage Counselor's AdviceA couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "this is what your wife needs, at least once a day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"
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| Posted by Whiteknight on 13-Aug-2005 | Poem: Glad to be a manEveryday I give thanks to God
I was born a man instead of a broad
When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
I use my turn signal, I understand sports
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't go through a faze every 28 days
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john
I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Let me tell you ladies
Listen to me ladies
I love those things inside of your blouse
I love your pretty faces
Your warm and soft embraces
But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house
I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
When someone asks me my age, I never lie
After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
This is the same underwear I wore yesterday
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
Tell you the reason I am
I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'
Man, I'm glad I'm a man
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| Posted by polishpistol on 13-Aug-2005 | Guy Speak Translated"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means: "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.
"Good idea."
Really means: "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
Really means: "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means: "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means: "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means: "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
Really means: "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means: "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means: "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means: "I forgot our anniversary. Again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means: "You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good movie."
Really means: "It's got guns, babes, fast cars."
"That's women's work."
Really means: "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means: "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means: "I am incapable of making a decision."
"I do help around the house."
Really means: "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means: "What did you catch me at?"
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means: "She refused to make my coffee."
"I heard you."
Really means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means: "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means: "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
Really means: "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means: "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means: "This time we won't use the drive-thru window."
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