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| Posted by Abby Proffer on 09-Aug-2005 | Crushed nuts?A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
" No," he replied, "arthritis."
Submitted by Phil
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| Posted by Grace Littlehales on 09-Aug-2005 | Ashes to ashes...A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make a few drinks.
As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says, "What's this?"
"Oh, my father's ashes are in there," she replies.
Turning beet red, he apologizes for bringing it up.
She continues, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
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| Posted by Alex Martin on 09-Aug-2005 | Capt. HookA pirate and a sailor are in a bar regaling each other with tall tales.
The sailor finally asks the pirate to tell him how he came to have a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and a patch over his eye.
"Well," says the pirate, "I lost the leg in a shark attack, lost the hand in a sword fight, and the eye was due to bird crap."
"Bird crap?" asks the puzzled sailor.
"Yes," replies the pirate. "It was my first day with the hook."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
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| Posted by susan on 09-Aug-2005 | London restaurantA Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London.
The waiter says, "Excuse me, but you should be advised that if you want the steak, there is a shortage."
The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker says, "What's 'Excuse me'?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by Lisa on 09-Aug-2005 | No Sir!Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again."
Soldier: "Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Jimbo Bimbo on 09-Aug-2005 | DrainpipeAn old lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg.
As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.
Several months later, the doctor took off the cast. "Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.
"Yes," he replied.
"Thank goodness!" she said.?????? "I'm sick and tired of shimmying up and down that drainpipe!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by BreeBrown
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