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| Posted by bloody bob on 09-Aug-2005 | Crutches pleaseWhen Don first noticed that his prick was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was Donna.
But after several weeks and nearly nine inches later, Don became concerned and the couple went to see a doctor.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, although rare, Don's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" Donna asked anxiously.
"Crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well, yes," said Donna, "You ARE planning to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Pinkwonder on 09-Aug-2005 | MothsThe lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused together as they gyrated to their own tattoo.
The woman cocked her ear, "Quick! My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she cried.
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.
"What are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you." she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great," he said, "I'll just nip into the bathroom and I'll be with you in two shakes."
Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths," the lover replied.
"But..but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The little bastards!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Eminem Isgod on 09-Aug-2005 | Important1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited By Curtis
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| Posted by ICE CREAM on 09-Aug-2005 | RevengeBecky was on her deathbed, and her husband, Jake, maintained a steady vigil by her side.
As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her cheek and roused her from her deathly slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Jake," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shh. Don??™t talk."
But she was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."
"There??™s nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "It??™s all right. Everything??™s all right. You need to go to sleep now."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Jake. I have been unfaithful to you. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand.
"Hush now, Becky, don??™t torment yourself. I know all about it," he said.
"Why do you think I poisoned you?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by Steven J. Deceilio on 09-Aug-2005 | Tough QuestionsThe 5 toughest questions for men are:
1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly ( i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question #1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
Question #2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
Question #3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is always: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality.
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
d. Define pretty..
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question #5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.
Submitted by Tantilazing
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Tony Toope on 09-Aug-2005 | HoneymoonThis old man and old lady met, fell in love, and got married.
On their honeymoon they went to a fancy hotel to do honeymoon stuff.
After smooching in their room, the old gentleman said he was going to the bathroom, to get ready for sex.
When he came out, he saw the old girl standing on her head, naked, against the wall.
"What the heck are you doing?" he said.
She said, "I thought that at your age, you probably couldn't get it up! So I figured you could just drop it in!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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