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| Posted by Neo V. Michilini on 10-Aug-2005 | CUSTOMS INSPECTIONAfter an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment,
my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight
siblings and me - all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us
entered the cramped customs area.
A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, "Ma'am," he said,
"does all these children and this luggage belongs to you?"
"Yes, sir," my mother said with a sigh. "They're all mine."
The customs agent began his interrogation: "Ma'am, do you have any weapons,
contraband or illegal drugs in your possession?"
"Sir," she calmly answered, "if I'd had any of those items, I would have used
them by now."
The official allowed us to pass without opening a single suitcase.
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| Posted by jintro d. s on 10-Aug-2005 | MOTHER SAYSThroughout the centuries, mothers have been given their children plenty of
good advice and notable quotes. Here's just a small sampling:
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man.
Midnight is past your curfew!"
MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary,
but does it have to be growing under your bed?"
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces,
Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a
hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"
COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still
could have written!"
BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you -- quit playing ball
in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"
MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do
you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card
inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"
CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you -- don't go biting off
more than you can chew!"
ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just
wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"
BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but
you're starting to look a little purple."
MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but
I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."
BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the
insurance is going to be?"
GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear
family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"
LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get
off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders
around here!"
ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do
something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"
GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across
the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been
for the last three days."
SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've
decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much
time in all those phone booths?"
THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric
light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"
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| Posted by Stockers on 10-Aug-2005 | PUNISHMENT TO FIT THE CRIMEOne day mom was cleaning junior??™s room and in the closet she found a bondage
S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."
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| Posted by J L. Hodges on 10-Aug-2005 | A TEENAGER IS...- A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone
number.
- A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before
breakfast.
- A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on
Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.
- Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother
calling from the next room.
- A whiz that can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make
a bed.
- A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for
her driver's license.
- A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and very loud.
- An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired
to dry the dishes.
- A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.
- A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
- A budding beauty that never smiles until her braces come off.
- A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs
mowing.
- An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a
teenager.
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| Posted by LiLSoCcErAnGeL on 10-Aug-2005 | HAM SANDWICHAs ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun,
crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners
of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our
backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my
side.
"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbows and shoulder and was reaching again
for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love
mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard!
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have
sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort
of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.
Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you
know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"
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| Posted by ginageeluv on 10-Aug-2005 | FAMILY HISTORYOne day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get
here, Mommy?" she asks.
Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you, Honey."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, Sweetheart, he did."
"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?"
"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."
The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been
no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"
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