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| Posted by Political jokes on 11-Aug-2005 | Cut it OffA construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to.. To.. Cut it off, are you???!?"
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. *I'm* going to set the garage on fire."
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| Posted by Richard Fraser on 11-Aug-2005 | Cuckoo ClockAt about 3AM, I was drunk as a skunk. I came home just in time to hear the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, I cuckooed nine more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. I was very proud of myself.
The next day, my wife asked what time I got home, and I replied, "Midnight, just like I said."
She said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked why, she answered, "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."
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| Posted by Daniel R. Perrault on 11-Aug-2005 | Country NewlywedsA young farmer couple got married, and they just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. Just before leaving the house for the fields at dawn, they made love, and when the husband returned home at evening they had another go - both before and after supper, and then again a few more times during the night.
The problems only happened during the day. The fields were far away from the house and the young man lost half an hour each time traveling home and back again at noon. Finally he decided to consult a friend, the town's doctor, about what to do.
"Easiest thing in the world, Homer" said the doctor. "You take your rifle out with you every day don't you? Well, when you feel like you're in the mood for some lovin', just fire a shot into the air as a signal to your wife, for her to come out to you. That way you won't lose any workin' time."
Homer tried his friend's solution and it seemed to work pretty well for a while. One day though, the doctor stopped by the house to pay a visit and he noticed Homer sitting alone inside looking very somber.
"What's wrong?" he asked. "Didn't my idea work? Where's your wife?"
"Oh, it worked" says Homer. "Whenever I got in the mood I fired off a shot like you said, and Beckie'd come runnin'. Then we'd find a secluded place and make love. Then Beckie'd go back home."
"So what's the problem?"
"Well I think I overdid it, Doc. I ain't seen hide nor hair of Beckie since hunting season got started..."
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| Posted by Louis Turner on 11-Aug-2005 | Communication ProblemAbout five years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30 mph for it to start.
She said fine, hoped into her car and drove off.
I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.
A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rearview mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions.
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| Posted by brandi l. stefanelli on 11-Aug-2005 | ClimaxA wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor."
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."
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| Posted by Morgan E. Stromberg on 11-Aug-2005 | Chinese DetectiveA man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective, Ram Pam Sim Wimm, to watch and report any activities that might develop.
A few days later he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house. I watch house. He comes to house. I watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she get on train. I follow. He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree - look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip her. She strip he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with ME. Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE.
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