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| Posted by VieTAnGeL on 09-Aug-2005 | CuteA 19 year old lad has been dating a 17 year old girl for a few months.
They've been to the pictures and return to her home where she lives with her father, mother having passed on several years previously.
They settle down to amuse themselves on the sofa in the sitting room, whilst the old man watches telly in the back room.
Now the girl is a good example, and looks after her Dad, she in turn is the apple of his eye.
So naturally, he's worried sick about her well being and eventually just has to break off from watching Panorama to knock gently on the living room door.
The girl opens it. "Hi Sue, you couldn't make me a cup of tea, could you?"
"Course I can Dad," she replies, and trots off into the kitchen to put the kettle on.
Meanwhile, the old man sits down on the sofa with the lad to have a word.
"Look, son," he says. "I remember when I was your age, pulling the birds and trying my luck. Thing is, I'm worried about our Sue."
"Why, what's up with her?" replies the lad.
"Well, I shouldn't really tell you, but she's got acute angina."
"Oh, I know..." says the lad. "...great pair of tits too!"
Submitted by ?¤?‡??rt??§?¤
Edited by Clark Kent
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| Posted by Aaron Y on 09-Aug-2005 | In the familyFor three years, the young MP had been taking his vacations at the same country inn.
The last time he'd finally managed to score with the landlord's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.
"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin', and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a politician."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by dolly04
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| Posted by Pink Floyd on 09-Aug-2005 | Turning it offA little old lady with blue hair enters a sex shop and asks in a quivering voice, "Y-y-young man, d-d-do y-you s-sell d-d-dildos h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady??™s appearance in his shop, says, "Uh, yes, ma??™am, we do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart, asks, "D-do y-you have any ab-b-bout th-this l-long?"
"Yes, ma??™am, we do. We have several that come in that size."
Forming her shaking fingers into a five-inch circle, she then asks, "A-are an-n-ny of th-them a-about thi-is
b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well . . . yes, there are a few of them that are about that big."
"A-and d-do a-a-ny of th-them v-v-ibra-a-ate?"
"Yes, ma??™am, one of them does."
"H-how d-do y-you t-t-turn it off?"
Submitted by ?¤?‡??rt??§?¤
Edited by calmjo
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| Posted by Steve Mitchell on 09-Aug-2005 | AmbitionAn army major visits the sick soldiers to check on morale.
He goes up to one private and asks, "What??™s your problem, soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, sir."
"What??™s your ambition?"
"Sir, to fight again, sir."
"Good man," says the major. He goes to the next one. "What??™s your problem, soldier?"
"Chronic piles, sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, sir."
"What??™s your ambition?"
"Sir, to fight again, sir."
"Good man," says the major. He goes to the next bed. "What??™s your problem, soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day, sir."
"What??™s your ambition?"
"Sir, to get the wire brush before the other two, sir."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
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| Posted by Killa V. Sleuce on 09-Aug-2005 | Call 911!The tired doctor was awakened by a telephone call in the middle of the night.
"Please come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive."
The physician dressed quickly, but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again.
"You don??™t have to come after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
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| Posted by Robert F. Maar on 09-Aug-2005 | He writes the songsThe owner of a world-class hotel is in desperate need of a pianist for the grand piano in the lobby.
He sees hundreds of applicants, but none are qualified.
Finally, a bum wearing torn clothes, reeking of alcohol and sporting a scraggly old beard applies.
The owner reluctantly agrees to give him a try, and the bum plays the most beautiful songs ever.
When asked the names of the songs, the bum says, "The first one??™s called ???Pull My Pants Down and Slap My Ass??™ and the second was ???Scratch My Leg and Suck My Balls.??™"
Dumbfounded, the owner gives the bum the job along with some cash to get cleaned up.
The next day, the bum comes back, clean except for his pants, which are still the torn rags he wore the day before.
The owner says, "Fine, just sit on the bench, hide your legs and don??™t talk to anyone. I don??™t want people to be offended by your foul language."
After several hours, a woman stops to admire the music.
Suddenly, she looks down and says, "Sir, do you know your pants are ripped and your balls are hanging out?"
To which the bum replies, "Know it? I wrote the son-of-a-bitch!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
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