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| Posted by FirePrincess on 13-Aug-2005 | Daddy calling only to find...Dave called home one afternoon to see what his wife was making for dinner. "Hello?" said a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," said Dave. "Is mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Kevin."
After a brief pause, Dave said, "But you don't have an Uncle Kevin, honey!"
"Yes I do. He's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Kevin that my car just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl came back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh my god! And what about Uncle Kevin?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that you took out all the water last week to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool, and now he's dead too."
There was a long pause, then Bob said, "Swimming pool? Is this 555- 7039?"
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| Posted by Matt J. Mullen on 13-Aug-2005 | Long distance romance problemsTwo high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college, but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.
He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and e-mails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone."
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but, even more, so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money! I'm getting pretty desperate!" and mailed the picture to her parents.
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| Posted by A J Picozzi on 13-Aug-2005 | Women's and Men's EnglishWoman's English
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Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later!
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure . . . go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes & find a good game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = {Too late, you're dead}
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep?
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
Men's english
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I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex w/you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex w/you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex w/you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex w/you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now.
I love you, too = Okay, I said it . . . we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50.00 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person so that you'd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin dress & let's go home!!!
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