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| Posted by Lindsay Drue Whitley on 09-Aug-2005 | Daddys homeSaturday morning and Bob's just about to tee off for a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming round at noon.
So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
'Hello,' says a little girl's voice.
'Hi, honey, it's Daddy,' says Bob. 'Is Mummy near the phone?'
'No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.'
After a brief pause, Bob says,
'But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey.'
'Yes I do and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy.'
'Okay, then. Here's what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house.'
'Okay, Daddy.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
`Well I did what you said, Daddy.'
'And what happened?'
'Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran round and round screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell out the front window and now I think she's all dead.'
'Oh my God... and what about Uncle Frank?'
'He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.'
There is a long pause, then Bob says,
'Swimming pool. . . what swimming pool? Is this 555-*** ....?'
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| Posted by Tom Dunlap on 09-Aug-2005 | PINK AND WRINKLYa 70YEAR OLD MAN NAMED HENRY WAS ABOUT TO MARRY A 23 YEAR OLD GIRL NAMED ETHAL. ETHAL ASKED HENRY TO WASH HER RED NIGHTGOWN SO SHE COULD HAVE IT FOR THE HONEYMOONSO HE DID. AFTER HE WASHED IT HE PUT IN THE DRYER AND STARTED TO TAKE A BATH.ETHAL KNOCKED ON THE DOOR AND ASKED TO ENTER SO SHE COULD GET THE CLOTHES FROM THE DRYER TO PACK FOR THE HONEYMOON.HENRY SAID YES IF YOU DONT PEEK AT ME.ETHAL OPENED THE DRYER PULLED OUT HER NIGHT GOWN AND SAID OH HENRY IT IS ALL PINK AND WRINKLY AND HENRY SAID DAMN IT ETHAL I TOLD YOU NOT TO PEEK!
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| Posted by Charlie W. Schwartz on 14-Aug-2005 | KissesAn engineering student is walking on campus one day when another
engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle. "Where did you get
such a rockin' bike?" asked the first. The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw
the motorcycle to the ground, took off all her clothes and said
'Take what you want.' " The second engineer nodded approvingly.
"Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl
asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much
does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking
male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten
yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his
face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth,
then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and
pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will
pay the bill," she smiled.
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| Posted by Sam T. Brauer on 14-Aug-2005 | The Search for the Perfect WomanAn extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given
responsibility to find the perfect woman, marry her, and raise a
family. With that as his mission he began searching for the
perfect woman.
After a diligent but fruitless search up and down the east
coast, he decided to head west. Soon he came across a farmer who
had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his
breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking
for permission to marry one of them.
The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married,
so you've come to the right place. Look over them and decide
which one you wanna marry."
The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked
for the man's opinion. "Well, she's just a weeeeee bit, not that
you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed."
So the man dated the second daughter. The next day the farmer
asked for the man's opinion. "Well, she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice, cross-eyed."
So then the man dated the third daughter. The next morning the
man rushed in, exclaiming, "She's perfect! She's perfect! She's
the one I want to marry!" So they were immediately wed.
Nine months later the baby was born. When the man visited the
nursery, he was horrified. The baby was the most hideous,
ugliest, most pathetic baby you could imagine. He rushed to his
father-in-law, asking how such a thing could happen, considering
his parents were perfect.
"Well," replied the farmer, "she was just a weeeeeeee bit, not
that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."
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| Posted by stephen w. mckenna on 14-Aug-2005 | Life StagesGREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your
hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always
catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) There is always a lot to be thankful for, if you take the
time to look. For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it
is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge . . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its
ground.
5) Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not
the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can
get.
3) You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes
and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a
rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can
make a person gain five pounds.
6) God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
7) It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody
bothers to ask you the questions.
8) Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
9) The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because
by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
10) Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
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| Posted by Arty S. Choco on 14-Aug-2005 | Dirty Football BroadcastThe Top 20 Things You Hear In A Football Broadcast... That Sound
Dirty -- But Aren't
20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start
pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line)
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.
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