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| Posted by Jody R. wood on 09-Aug-2005 | Dance on your graveMy mother-in-law said to me, "I'll dance on your grave."
I said, "I hope you do. I'm being buried at sea."
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| Posted by Steve Yenke on 09-Aug-2005 | Farmer Johns problemFarmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar.
Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.
"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?"
If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye.
"John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that dealership for good."
"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse.
Now you listen to this...." "I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by.
Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me with her tail.
After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters.
Then I got back to work."
"I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, if that upset me!
So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again."
"Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg.
I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece oh rope and tied up Bessy's left leg to the other side of the stall."
Just then John paused to take a sip his beer.
Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well, did you finally get to milk her?"
"Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what... If you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from ya....!"
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| Posted by Vampboy! on 09-Aug-2005 | CompromisesA man who compromises when he???‚¬?„?s wrong is wise; a man who compromises when he???‚¬?„?s right is married.
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| Posted by Raymond N. Kostowski on 09-Aug-2005 | You're nextA young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head.
The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
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| Posted by Chic260LOL on 09-Aug-2005 | Bowling againIt's after dinner when a man realizes he's out of cigarettes.
He decides to pop down to the local bar for a pack, telling his wife he'll be right back.
He's persuaded by the bartender to share a cold one. As he's nursing it a gorgeous blond comes in the door, but he looks the other way.
She comes over and sits down. One thing leads to another and she invites him home.
Back at her place they screw like rabbits until the next thing he knows it's four o'clock in the morning. Jumping out of bed, he shakes the woman awake, asking if she has any baby powder.
"In the bathroom cabinet" she says.
He dusts his hands, drives home at ninety, and pulls into the driveway to find his wife waiting up for him, rolling pin in hand.
"So where the hell have you been?" she screams.
"Well, you see honey," he stammers, "I only went out for cigarettes, but Jake offered me a beer and then this beautiful blonde walked in and we got to talking and drinking and I ended up back at her place making love..."
"Wait a minute" snapped his wife, "let me see your hands." Turning on him furiously, she says, "Don't lie, you rotten little shit...you've been bowling again!"
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| Posted by Justin R. Bunke on 09-Aug-2005 | MillionaireA woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend.
The wife replied, " A billionaire".
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