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():love jokes (2491): Dating a Vampire - Pros and Cons |
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| Posted by Valley Canuck on 11-Aug-2005 | Dating a Vampire - Pros and ConsPro
Long relationships Allowed to stay out late Easy weight loss Centuries of experience Immune to all venereal diseases Always has amazing stamina Loves neck nibbling Rarely interested in arguing religion Never comes home with garlic breath Don't have to worry about what color of clothes to wear.
Con
Spend your time in a hypnotic daze Parents can be hell You always feel tired (loss of blood) Oral sex can be lethal Always has cold feet (and blood) Never able to spend the day in bed Pet names that give you chills Strange friends Giggles at funerals Hard to win an argument No romantic sunsets May forget own strength during orgasm
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| Posted by look out! on 11-Aug-2005 | Courting with a LanternPappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going, boy?"
The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."
The father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern."
"Sure Pa, I know," the boy said. "And look what you got!"
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| Posted by Lizz on 11-Aug-2005 | Cat Food DietThis woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!
"Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!
Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.
"You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.
Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him!
We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "Ahh, I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantle when he was licking his ass."
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| Posted by Da Joker on 11-Aug-2005 | Candy Conversation HeartsLeast Loved Conversation Hearts
1. SHOO
2. U SMELL
3. AMSCRAY
4. CALL 911
5. 1000x NO
6. R-U NUTS
7. BIG BORE
8. BROKE HIP
9. URA ZERO
10. I'LL MACE
11. GET REAL
12. OVER DOSE
13. R U DONE
14. SHAVE BACK
15. NO HOPE
16. GO AWAY
17. DON'T TUCH
18. U-R SICK
19. WANT FRIES?
20. YODA MAN
21. DISCO
22. NO NECK
23. WRONG
24. IN-BRED
25. WAKE UP
26. HO HUM
27. FIX TEETH
28. TRY SOAP
29. NICE LISP
30. I'LL DUMP U
31. BAD HAIR
32. I'LL YELL
33. AS IF
34. NOT NOW
35. NOT EVER
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| Posted by Cory A. Froke on 11-Aug-2005 | Boyfriend v. HusbandQ: What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
A: About 30 pounds.
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| Posted by pookie dookie on 11-Aug-2005 | Being a Good Son in LawA gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetary. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.
She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing, "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."
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