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| Posted by jessica r. church on 10-Aug-2005 | Dating vs. MarriageWhen you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your
husband at all times.
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going
to drink?"
When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me
alone???"
When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no
reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old
together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage
area.
When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."
When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.
When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to
others as "She."
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| Posted by Chris E. Yannaco on 10-Aug-2005 | Sex Over-EasyThese two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon.
While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male
egg away and said, "I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a
minute." and off she went.
Five minutes later, the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky
???egg??™lige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body.
Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it
completely.
The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing.
He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head
with a spoon!"
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():sex jokes (1888): The Nuns and the Blind Man |
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| Posted by CrazyBaby on 10-Aug-2005 | The Nuns and the Blind ManTwo nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction
of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their
habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock
the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the
middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come
from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice Gazonas," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
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| Posted by JOHNWILLY on 10-Aug-2005 | Strict Sex ScheduleA young couple was married and they were having sex all the time during their
honeymoon, but when the honeymoon was over they had to adjust their sex schedule
to their work schedule.
So every day the husband would get home at 5 o'clock, and every day they would
go to bed at 5:15. In the door at 5, in the sack at 5:15. This went on for
months, never missing a day until the wife came down with the flu and went to
the doctor to get a flu shot.
The shot killed all the germs inside her except for three, and these three
germs were huddled together inside her body talking over their survival plans.
One germ said, "I'm going to hide between two toes on her left foot, I don't
think the antibiotics will find me there."
A second exclaimed, "I am going to hide behind her right ear, I don't think
they'll find me there."
The last germ said, "I don't know about you guys, but when that 5:15 pulls out
tonight, I'm goanna be on it!"
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| Posted by brad j. mira on 10-Aug-2005 | On The Job TrainingThree couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons,
where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy.
Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,??? Wow, he's a lucky one.
Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top
button...A-bomb.???
The third man married a school teacher.
Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty
but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected
only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two
would call much later in the day.
At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The
nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's
pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.
The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night
was her nagging voice saying, ???You??™re not sanitary, and you??™re not sanitary."
At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again.
The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast
as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back
in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.
Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as
their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I
heard last night was her nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes are up, your
three minutes are up."
Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teacher??™s husband would be
calling any minute.
Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couple??™s room. The
man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only
his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and
legs.
Joe fearing the worst asked ???What happened to you? Did you have a
fight?"
The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry
a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We
are going to do this over and over, until we get right."
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| Posted by Akdadevil Bavarian Butchers on 10-Aug-2005 | What Sex is Polly?A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She
calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all
would become clear in time.
She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what
comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out
a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.
A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one
look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at
it, too."
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