|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Jessica K. Alldredge on 14-Aug-2005 | Dead Frog on a StringOne day, a 12 year old boy walks into a whorehouse dragging a
dead frog on a string. He stomps up to the counter and says to
the madam, "I wanna woman."
"I'm sorry," she says, "but we don't let boys your age have a
woman." The little boy slams a hundred dollar bill down on the
counter and says, "I wanna woman!" So the madam asks him what
kind of woman he wants.
"A skanky one," he replies. "I want her to have AIDS, Syphilis,
crabs, the works. I want the nastiest whore in the place."
Offended, the madam says, "We don't have women like that here."
So the boy slams another hundred down, and the madam points to a
room down the hall and says "last door on the right."
The boy walks down the hall, dragging his dead frog on a string,
and goes into the room. He screws the hell out of the woman, and
then leaves (still dragging his dead frog on a string). Just as
he's getting ready to leave, the madam calls him over and asks
why on earth he would want someone so nasty.
"Well, it's like this," he says, "I'm gonna go home about seven
o'clock tonight, and I'm gonna have sex with my babysitter. Then
when mom and dad come home about nine o' clock, dad's gonna take
the babysitter home, and he's gonna screw her. Then dad's gonna
come home, and him and mom are gonna go to bed, and they'll
screw. In the morning, dad will leave for work, and the milkman
will stop by, and mom will have sex with him. Now here's where
it all comes down you see!! I'm gonna really get him, because
the milkman is the one that killed my damn frog!!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
():sex jokes (1888): How they killed the "Texas Eel" |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Aaron R. Whittington on 14-Aug-2005 | How they killed the "Texas Eel"Little Johnny was about 10 years old and curious as only a boy
should be. He had been hearing a lot about courting from other
boys so he asked his mother how it was done. She told him to
hide behind the curtains some night and watch his sister and her
boyfriend. So Johnny did and this is what happened (or at least
his version).
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked awhile, then turned out
all the lights except the blue one, then he started kissing her,
and for some reason he put his hand inside her blouse. She
started giggling and ooing, then he put his hand up her skirt,
when he did this she began to moan and sigh.
Then she slowly moved to the other end of the couch till she was
lying down. I think she had a backache, then he rolled over and
unzipped his pants and pulled out a Texas Eel. I don't know what
it was doing in there but it was 8" long and 2" wide. He held it
in his hands so it wouldn't get away. Sis tried to help him, so
she got a tight grip on it, she spread her legs far apart and
stuck this eel between her legs and got a good scissors hold on
it. He helped by lying on top of Sis to keep the eel from moving.
The eel put up a hell of a fight though. Sis squalled and her
boyfriend nearly up set the couch. For a minute there I thought
the damn thing was getting away but Sis grabbed it just as it
was slipping out and stuck it back in.
Soon they both gave a large sigh and stopped moving. First they
let the eel move but it didn't. It tried to get away but her
boyfriend got up and the thing was dead. It just hung there
limber as a hot water bottle and its end was dripping. Sis and
her boyfriend were all tired out from the battle. They started
kissing and loving again and by God if that damn thing didn't
come back to life again, so the battle started again.
Well it sure was the best wrestling match I ever saw. This time
they really killed the eel. I saw her boyfriend pull its skin
off and flush it down the toilet."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Haydogg, Wooder on 14-Aug-2005 | The Truck IncidentA middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his
wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became
a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to
satisfy his young bride.
His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that
all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited
the doctor to get some advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make
love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a
professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before
having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll
last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let
him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when
he arrived home.
"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," She cooed
over the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But
where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in
on him?
He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided
he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath
the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the
deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck,
closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and
began his "therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his
therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg.
Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he
was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you
are doing, please?" Said the officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," He replied
confidently.
"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there.
Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Randy_Andy on 14-Aug-2005 | An Adult Pig StoryA farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting
pregnant, and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The
farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to
display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs
are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion
that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself.
So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has
sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all
still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and
loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex
with each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One
more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them
out to the woods. He spends all day with them and, upon returning home,
falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the
pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in
the mud.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the
horn."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
():sex jokes (1888): Just Trying to See Your Panties |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Kitty Devil on 14-Aug-2005 | Just Trying to See Your PantiesOnce there was this little boy and he was really perverted. He
liked to look up little girl's skirts. One day he had a sucker
with him and he told this little girl that he would give her the
sucker if she would climb to the top of the monkey bars
(Unbeknownst to her, he was gonna look up her skirt). So the
little girl glimbed to the top and the little boy gave her the
sucker.
The little girl walked home that day and her mother immediately
noticed the sucker hanging out of her mouth. Her mother asked
her where she got the sucker and the little girl told her the
story of the little boy and the monkeybars. Her mother was
appalled and she scolded her little girl for falling for the
trick. She said "Don't you know that little boy was just trying
to see you panties?"
The little girl went to school the next day and the little boy
offered her another sucker in exchange for her climbing to the
top of the monkey bars. She said, "My Mommie told me that all
you wanted to do was look at my panties-and I'm not going to let
you!"
Now the little boy was determined so he offered her a whole bag
of suckers and she accepted. She went home and her mother
scolded her again!
She went to school the next day datermined that the little boy
was not going to see her panties. But, he offered her 2 bags of
suckers and she gave in. That afternoon she went home and her
mother proceded to scold her again. "But mommy," she said, "I
tricked him, I wasn't wearing any panties today!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Cristyn B. Militello on 14-Aug-2005 | Shot as a FetusA woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a
masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in
the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to
leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the
room in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was having a
wee and this bullet came out." replies the daughter. The mother
tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in
tears. "Mom, I was having a wee and this bullet came out." Again
the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16
years ago.
A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay,"
says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a wee and a
bullet came out." And the boy says, "No, I was jerking off and I
shot the dog!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
