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| Posted by Kayla Rakes on 09-Aug-2005 | Dead RabbitYears ago, while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle. I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realised it was the next door neighbour's 10 year old daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to it's cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it's grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in it's cage, hoping it's death would be written off as "natural causes".
Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbour's Volvo pulled in as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed: "DDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbour that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"
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| Posted by Jaron M. Quigley on 09-Aug-2005 | Eating WormsLittle Johnny refused to eat. So his mother, in desperation, took him to the psychiatrist, who tried many methods, to no avail. The psychiatrist asked, "What would you like to eat?"
"Worms" Little Johnny said. The psychiatrist was gleeful as he sent his nurse for cupful. Placing them on a plate, he said, "Here they are."
"I want them fried" was the response.
The nurse took them and had them fried.
When presented with them, Little Johnny replied that he only desired one. The psychiatrist took one and in a strong voice said, "Here is only one. Now eat it."
"I only want half and you eat the other" was the reply.
The psychiatrist swallowed one half and gave the other to Little Johnny. Just then Little Johnny began to cry. The doctor asked what was wrong.
Little Johnny said, "You ate my half!"
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| Posted by Justin D. Dickenson on 09-Aug-2005 | Policemen in HeavenSt Peter is standing at Heaven's gate when a man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?"
St Peter asked.
"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."
"Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates."
A few moments later a second man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?"
St Peter asked.
"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travellers."
"Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise."
A few moments later a third man walks up.
"Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"
"I was a policeman," he responded.
"What kind of policeman?"
St Peter asked.
"I was an Air Force Security Policeman, sir."
"Excellent my son... I've gotta take a pee, watch the gate, will ya?"
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| Posted by Emmorality on 09-Aug-2005 | Peace Keeping MissioA young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Afghanistan as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid soldier raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
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| Posted by Bess on 09-Aug-2005 | Making CandlesTwo ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!"
The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion.
"Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold."
"Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!"
"Not so," replied the other captain.
"After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time."
The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!'
This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, "What's the meaning of this?!"
"You sick bastard," replied the cop.
"Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?"
"Sure," said the captain.
"What about 'em?!"
"Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"
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| Posted by Toby's Gurl on 09-Aug-2005 | Port or Sherry?A playboy, out for pleasure one evening, picked-up a well-dressed young lady at a bar and took her to his apartment. She appeared well-to-do, chic, and very intelligent.
Thinking to make an impression, Mr. Playboy showed her some etchings, first editions, etc. He then offered her some wine, asking whether she preferred sherry or port.
"Oh, sherry by all means!" she replied.
"Sherry is like the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in this crystal-like decanter fills me with the anticipation of a heavenly thrill. When the stopper is removed and the beautiful liquid is poured into the glass and I inhale the delicious tangy aroma, I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. As I taste the magic potion, my whole being thrills and glows, it seems like a thousand violins throb in my ears, and I'm carried into another world."
"Port, on the other hand, makes me fart."
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