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| Posted by gumby85 on 09-Aug-2005 | Deadly VicesThree desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
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| Posted by Charlie Morris on 09-Aug-2005 | Hotel PostcardBurford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.
Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says: "Dear Mr. Burford... All is forgiven. Just tell us...where is it?"
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| Posted by kAoS on 09-Aug-2005 | Mills and Boon... OzExtract from an Australian Mills & Boon (one of those romance books)
We met in a secluded field, the sun nearly kissing the evening horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthly, musky scent that only those fortunate enough to live outside the urban rat race know, and quiet whispering of the leaves in the Weeping Willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked, I knew I had to have her and have her now. Without a word being spoken, I managed to move myself to a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she had been waiting for as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.
I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her. Then as tension rose, we began the ultimate in sex. Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.
As sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out until the moment we had been both waiting for was upon us. As it did we rolled together in the
now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long set sun melted
into the darkness of approaching night, as we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace, I kissed her long and loving and whispered how good she had been, she tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear and whispered:
"Baaaa", then re-joined the flock.
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| Posted by Tim Smith on 09-Aug-2005 | Cowboy Needs SexThere's this cowboy who arrive in a little town, enters the saloon and screams: "I want a woman, I wanna fuck!" "Welcome" , says the owner, " We have Rosy the Red who fucks like three witches for only $30.
" "She's wonderful", says the cowboy ," but I don't have so much" "No problem, for $20 Blondie the Blond sucks your cock out of your underwear!" "She's pretty, but I don't have so much."
"No problem, for $10 Terry the Terrible will keep your cock in her hand 'til morning!" "She's nice, but I don't' have..."
"How much the fuck you have?"
"Er...a quarter!" "All right: room 22, upstairs."
The cowboy runs upstairs, opens the door of room 22, and on the bed sees a nice young woman lying with her legs wide open; he jumps on her and begins fucking. After ten minutes he goes downstairs and asks the owner: "I...I think I've got a problem."
"What about?"
"Well, you know the young lady in room 22...I was having fun on her, and suddenly she turned her face and threw up a white mass..."
"Oh, shit! John !", screams the owner to his butler, " go change the corpse in room 22: it's full again!! "
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| Posted by Joey Bagofdounts on 09-Aug-2005 | Horable Smelling TobA salsman receved a call from his boss informing him he had an appontment with a competitor 150 miles away, and he only had two and a half hours to get there, and that he would be there for three days. his wife was always complaning that he never took her with him, so he calld and told her to pack a bag and be ready he would be there in ten minutes to pick her up he had no time to wast so to meet him at the curb,he stopped she jumped in off thay went, therty minutes down the road she told him she had to stop some where that she had diarrhea and had to stop, but I cant stop I cant be late, so thay rode a while longer once agan she said I have to go now" so he told her to roll down the window and to stick her butt out the window he could not stop for eaney thing after a minute or two she dropet her paints and stuck her butt out the window just as she let go there was two hitch hickers beside the road SPLAT" first hitch hicker wiping his face off, said wow what awful smelling tobaco, second hitch hicker wiping his face said ya" and did you see the Jaws" on that Berded Basterd when He spit?
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| Posted by JOHNWILLY on 09-Aug-2005 | Cheating WifeA man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend."
"Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch.
"No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, "What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, 'BAD DOG!'"
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