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| Posted by Jill Perlow on 09-Aug-2005 | Deaf buggerBob was worried about his wifes hearing so he visited the doctor.
The doctor gave him step-by-step instructions on how to determain how serious the problem was.
Later, when he got home he saw his wife in front of the oven. He stood in the doorway and said "Honey what are we having for dinner tonight?"
No answer.
He then moved three steps closer and said it again just like the doctor told him to, and still no answer.
He moved three more steps and now he was right behind her. He shouted "HONEY WHAT ARE WE HAVING FOR DINNER TONIGHT?"
His wife says, "For the third time, meatloaf you deaf bugger!"
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| Posted by Julian Cuevas on 09-Aug-2005 | CelebratingA couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
"Elliot", she said pointing, "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?"
The husband looked over and nodded.
"Well", the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"
The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense", he said, "that's not worth celebrating that much!"
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| Posted by Cute One on 09-Aug-2005 | Locker roomThere are several men sitting around in the locker room of a private club after exercising.
Suddenly a cell phone on one of the benches rings. One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
"Hello?"
"Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00."
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much ... "
"Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2006 models. I saw one I really liked.
I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year ... "
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000 ... "
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great! But before we hang up, something else ... "
"What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property ... "
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $650,000 - a magnificent price ... and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover ... "
"Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $620,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie ... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye ... I do too ... "
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present, "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?
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| Posted by HoneyHunny on 09-Aug-2005 | He's a gonerA man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
"I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing.
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse.
At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree.
His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
"Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver.
Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
"My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!"
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he's a goner!"
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| Posted by goldberg on 09-Aug-2005 | Gaining weightWhy do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator
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| Posted by Mike A. Rotch on 09-Aug-2005 | Breaking up"They say that breaking up is hard to do - but it's much easier with a restraining order and a rottweiler."
- Dakota Shepard
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