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| Posted by Shannon Swiney on 11-Aug-2005 | Dear Ex-ValentineLook no further. The hands-down, all-time winner of the Valentine writing contest has been found...
Dear Ex-Valentine,
I'm so miserable without you. It's almost like having you around.
-- Your Ex
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| Posted by bob b. bobs on 11-Aug-2005 | Dating DilemnaThere was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Kleerly and she was absolutely gorgeous.
He became quite besotted with Kleerly and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Kleerly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and continue with the Kleerly.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing . . . "I can see Kleerly now Lorraine has gone."
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| Posted by Big Fat ASS on 11-Aug-2005 | Covering It UpHaving gone to his secretary's apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. "My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!"
Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife. "Honey!" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I escaped!"
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| Posted by Christopher C. Lewis on 11-Aug-2005 | Cheap DateWorried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.
The son calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so, I think."
"Well," said the Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."
"To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."
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| Posted by gamma on 11-Aug-2005 | Cards for the ExA man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives."
The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."
"Really?"
"Yes sir. They're called darts."
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| Posted by Shirley Chan on 11-Aug-2005 | Breaking Up Is Hard To Do"Breaking Up Is Hard To Do..."
(especially when you share the same major!)
PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his Mother.
SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
RELIGION: Each prays for reconciliation and/or curses G-d
ARCHAEOLOGY: One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying to dig it up.
THEATRE: "OH MY G-D! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"
BIOLOGY: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"
PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come down.
JOURNALISM: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."
WOMEN'S STUDIES: "HE did it!"
BUSINESS: Both decide that they're spending way too much money together, and that it's simply cheaper to be single.
HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the other party did in the past.
GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.
ANATOMY: "I never liked your body anyway."
ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.
ENGLISH: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete with introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesn't really say anything substantively intelligible.
EDUCATION: Both concede that the relationship was a learning experience.
COMPUTING: "Man, this bytes -- we just couldn't interface" and/or "His hard drive was more like a floppy."
E. ENGINEER: "It's just so shocking... I'm sure there are positives and negatives, but..."
ARCHITECTURE: "There just wasn't much to build on anyway..."
JEWISH STUDIES: "OY! You should feel so guilty!"
PHILOSOPHY: If 2 people break up in a dorm and there's no one to witness the breakup, are they really single?
ZOOLOGY: They were able to mate like banshees, but lacked sophisticated communication skills.
PHYS. ED.: They punch each other out in frustration.
CHEMISTRY: "It was just the wrong chemistry between us..."
COUNSELING: Each urges the other to, "Get help!"
MUSIC: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in some parts, a country song) to express his or her sorrow.
LAW: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement.
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