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| Posted by Chuk Bonyata on 10-Aug-2005 | Deceptive qualificationsA rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she
placed a personal ad that read: Rich Widow Looking for Man to Share Life and
Fortune with the Following Qualifications:
1. WON'T BEAT ME UP
2. WON'T RUN AWAY
3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing
constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail. None of the men
seemed to meet her qualifications.
Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man,
with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who
are you and what do you want?"
??? Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams.
I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run
away."
The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"
To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
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| Posted by Nevyn J. Leo on 10-Aug-2005 | What the woman wantsAn old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office
Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like
expensive perfume turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly
Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very
arrogantly turns to the old woman and says,"Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her floor and is about to
get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the
eye, she bends over, and farts - and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
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| Posted by Dennis Oberholtzer on 10-Aug-2005 | T-shirts for womenT-Shirt Sayings for Women Who Take No Crap
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
Of course I don't look busy ... I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and tick you off at the same time.
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
Don't tick me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP!
Guys have feelings too. But like ... who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: six minutes.
I hate everybody and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
And your point is ... ?
I used to be a schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
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| Posted by Trish T. Mai on 10-Aug-2005 | Wallet powerAs the Broadway showgirls were dressing for a performance, one of them noticed
her friend was no longer sporting a flashy engagement ring. "What happened,
Lily?" she asked, pointing to the bare finger. "The wedding off?"
??? Yeah," Lily admitted. "I saw him in a bathing suit last week, and he looked
so different without his wallet."
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| Posted by deta H. van Hees on 10-Aug-2005 | Julia getting marriedIn her own eyes, Julia was the most popular girl around. "A lot of men are
going to be totally miserable when I marry."
??? Really?" said her date, "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"
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| Posted by Eric J. Herboso on 10-Aug-2005 | Cooking traditionsA young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the
ham, she placed the ham in a pan for baking.
Her friend asked her, "Why did you cut off the end of the ham"?
And she replied, "I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought
you were supposed to."
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the
ham before baking it, and her mother replied, "I really don't know, but that's
the way my mom always did it."
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked,
"Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?"
Her grandmother replied, "Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."
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