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| Posted by JESSEluvr4life on 10-Aug-2005 | DEFINITION OF A TEENAGERTeenager (noun)
1) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups
in front of television sets. Thought to be a member of Homo sapiens due to
physical similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many
researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different species
altogether. Very territorial.
Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer
groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food, and
responsibility. The males of the species forage for food constantly and can
consume three times their weight every day. When in full plumage, the males are
usually drab, marked by loose fitting garments which slide off their backsides
and look ridiculous.
The females, on the other hand, sport striking colors under their eyes,
throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers. Females often attract
males by wearing garments to accentuate chest development. Males indicate their
approval by staring at the display. The call of the female is complex and
shrill: "Like, O m'Gosh! O m' Gosh!" Males are less vocal, signaling to other
males with a salutatory "Yo. Yo. Yo. S'up? S'up? S'up?"
Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments. The females hold
telephone receivers to their ears an average of six hours a day. When challenged
for possession, they snarl and warn intruders, "I'm doing my HOMEWORK. My
HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK." The males lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving
energy and listening to violent electronic signals from radios. Male Teenagers
concentrate on important information by rolling their eyes, shrugging, kicking
dirt and sighing. Females burst into tears and slam doors. Many Homo sapiens
families have a host-to-parasite relationship with one or more than one
Teenager. These host families often develop a resistance to the parasite,
rejecting them some time in the eighteenth year of life. Often, though, this
rejection is merely theoretical, with the Teenager continuing to live off of the
host Homo sapiens family for many years afterward, often at great sacrifice.
2) Of, relating to, and especially EXPLAINING irrational, intolerable, or
inexplicable behavior. ("She's a Teenager.")
3) A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other in support.
("I have a Teenager at home.") Often accompanied by sighs, head shaking, tongue
clucking, and shoulder shrugging.
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| Posted by Ano M. Miller on 10-Aug-2005 | Garbage?A man visited a woman when her husband was at work. Unexpectedly the husband
came home earlier than usual. As the husband rang the bell, the lover panicked,
but the woman said calmly, "Don't be nervous. Just dress and wait a minute."
Then she picked up a garbage can from the kitchen, walked to the entrance,
opened the door and said, "Darling, before taking off your coat, would you
please carry out this garbage?" Before the husband returned, the lover had
dressed and left the apartment unnoticed. As he walked home, he thought, "What a
smart woman. My chicken of a wife would never come up with such an idea."
He came to the door of his apartment, rang the bell, his wife appeared in the
doorway and said, "Darling, before taking off your coat, would you please carry
out this garbage?"
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():love jokes (2491): THINGS YOUR MOM WOULD NEVER SAY |
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| Posted by Cordelia Montgomery-Williams on 10-Aug-2005 | THINGS YOUR MOM WOULD NEVER SAY* How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?
* Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.
* Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery.
* Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week.
* Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him
every day.
* Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me.
* The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a
prison around here.
* I don't have a tissue with me. Just use your sleeve.
* Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve.
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():love jokes (2491): THINGS A FATHER WILL NEVER SAY |
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| Posted by Blah Blah on 10-Aug-2005 | THINGS A FATHER WILL NEVER SAY* Well how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for
directions.
* You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for
non-chaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?
* I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude. I like
that in a young person!
* Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!!
* What do you mean you want to play football? Figure skating not good enough
for you, son?
* Your mother and I are going away for while. You might want to consider
throwing a party.
* Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those
doo-hickie thingies - you know - that makes it run or something. Just have it
towed to the mechanic's and pay whatever they ask.
* No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit
your belly aching and lets get to the mall.
* Whaddaya want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to
spend.
* Father's Day? Ah - don't worry about that - it's no big deal.
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| Posted by Stiny on 10-Aug-2005 | Simply killA wife with her husband watches TV. Suddenly the husband thumps the wife on
her face. - What's that for, honey?? - If there was something for - I'd simply
kill ya!
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| Posted by Alex on 10-Aug-2005 | WHITE HAIROne day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the
kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white
hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs
white, mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me
cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said,
"Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
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