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| Posted by slut j/k on 14-Aug-2005 | Definition of Outdoor BarbecuingIt's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do:
When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of
events is put into motion.
1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the vegetables, salad and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray
along with all the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to
the man, who is lounging next to the barbecue, drinking a beer.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check on the
vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the
woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she liked her "night off".
And upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there is
just no pleasing some women.
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| Posted by Shea M. Lund on 14-Aug-2005 | What Men Realy Mean"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,
and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish
swim by in complete safety."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.
"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a
maniac."
"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my
mind."
Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is
wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"
"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful
women."
"That's women's work."
Really means...."It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the
address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle
Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I
forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real
babe."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed
to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so
I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"
"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just
said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough
so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and
realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit.
I'm starving."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means.... "I make the messes, she cleans them up."
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| Posted by Leif on 14-Aug-2005 | Men Are Like...1. Men are like department stores...
they should always have their clothes half off.
2. Men are like vacations...
they never seem to last long enough.
3. Men are like chocolate bars...
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.
4. Men are like coolers...
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
5. Men are like coffee...
the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night.
6. Men are like horoscopes...
they always tell you what to do and they are usually wrong.
7. Men are like plungers...
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store and the rest they
spend in the bathroom.
8. Men are like cement...
after getting laid, it takes them a long time to get hard.
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| Posted by Marc A. Brekke on 14-Aug-2005 | Problems With The WifeHere are a few problems and solutions you may encounter with
your wife.
Problem: Your wife wants more foreplay during sex, and you
arent really the man for the job.
Solution: Show up with 2 other girls in the bedroom and tell
her you didnt understand her, you thought she meant "four-play."
********************
Problem: Shes always buying too many damn pairs of shoes.
Solution: On her birthday, paint a few of her existing shoes a
different color and wrap them up, that might keep your bank
account at more that 2 digits.
********************
Problem: Shes always drooling over some good-looking
celebrity like Brad Pitt, and she indirectly tells you that you
should be more like him.
Solution: Casually mention to her that Pamela Anderson Lee
looks so great with her breast implants, your wife probably will
never have tits as suculant as that, and it should shut her up
for a while.
********************
Problem: Shes into torture sex (whips, phone cord, handcuffs)
but its not what you think, she wants to torture YOU.
Solution: Check out as many Harry Houdini books at the library
as possible.
********************
Problem: During the night, without noticing it, your wife
takes more than her share of the blanket, and you're always
feeling like a damn eskimo in the middle of the night, freezing
your ass off.
Solution: Slowly and carefully place the bathroom rug on top
of her while shes asleep. Then with your greatest stealth, pull
all of the blanket on your side for a good nights sleep.
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():gender jokes (1878): The Differences between men and women |
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| Posted by Jennifer N. Belluche on 14-Aug-2005 | The Differences between men and womenLet's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named
Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a
pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner,
and again they enjoy themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while
neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought
occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it
aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing
each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a
very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it
bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined
by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into
some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this
kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little
more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really
want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . .
. I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing
each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward
marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I
ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this
person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's
see ...February when we started going out, which was right after
I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the
odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face.
Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more
from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he
has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some
reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant
to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being
rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the
transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's
still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on
the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees
out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck,
and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd
be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this,
but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day
warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting
for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm
sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy
being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems
to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my
self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give
them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it
right up their....
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes
beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have . .Oh
God, I feel so....."
(She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no
knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and
there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,"
Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he
can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up
with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes,
causing him to become very nervous about what she might say
next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted,
tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets
back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV,
and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis
match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny
voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something
major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure
there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he
figures. it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also
Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two
of them, and they will talk about this situation for six
straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze
everything she said and everything he said, going over it time
and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture
for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification.
They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for
weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions,
but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a
mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before
serving, frown, and say: "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?'
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| Posted by Zach H. Held on 14-Aug-2005 | Manliness Assessment1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to
as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after
you've both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss SportsCenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agreeto
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out
about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex
with is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last
month. You tell her that it is:
a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville; population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope with
that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
Evaluating the results:
If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make
sure you really are a man.
If you answered "b" more than 7 times, check into therapy,you're
a little confused.
If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "You DA MAN!"
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