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| Posted by Ziggy2002 on 13-Aug-2005 | Degree Courses for Women1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.
2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.
3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You don t need new shoes everyday.
4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.
5. Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.
6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.
7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.
8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.
9. Valuation: Just because it's not important to you.
10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.
11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.
12. What he really wants: Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.
13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.
14. Real women drink their share at a party.
15. Telephones: How to hang up.
16. Parking: Beginners Course.
17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.
18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.
19. Managing your weight: Its not water retention... its fat.
20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.
21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.
22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.
23. PMS: Your problem... not his.
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| Posted by LilSexyDevil13 on 13-Aug-2005 | Penis for a DayA survey asked women what they would do if they woke up and had a penis for the day. These responses were taken from the survey:
I would walk around and prod him all night long with it, whatever he is doing I'll be there prodding him with it.
I would write my name in the snow.
I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say "where is my raise?
I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him & tell him to roll over & try something new.
I would want a big one and show it off to everyone.
I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed.
I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing.
I would measure it both ways.
Pee off of a tall building.
I would get racked to see if it really hurts.
I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed.
I would see what a woman felt like on the other end.
I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day.
Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the water and not pee all over everything.
Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it.
I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot.
Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the best.
Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around.
See how many donuts I could carry with it.
Check out my boyfriend's gag reflexes.
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| Posted by Victor Alway on 13-Aug-2005 | Women's 45 Rules for Men1. Call
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
6. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
7. Victoria's secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
8. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
9. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
10. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart," are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "Bitch," are bad.
11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
12. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
13. None of your ex-girlfriends was ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
14. Her cooking is excellent.
15. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid coocking.
16. Dish soap is your friend.
17. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
18. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
19. Answering "Who was on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
20. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
21. Two words: clean socks.
22. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're all sweaty.
23. Burping is not sexy.
24. You're wrong.
25. You're sorry.
26. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think.
27. Ditto for you discourse on football.
28. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
29. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
30. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
31. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
32. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
33. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11 pm.
34. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
35. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
36. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
37. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
38. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
39. Always, always suck up to her brother.
40. Think boxers. Silk boxers.
41. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names.
42. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
43. Her haircut is never bad.
44. Don't let your friends pick on her.
45. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn't fair either, and it balances everything.
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| Posted by charlotte russe on 13-Aug-2005 | I'm Glad I'm a ManI'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don't get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It's more fun than dealing with women after all
I won't cry if you figure out it's not going to work
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.
Yes, I'm glad I'm a man, a man you see
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!
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| Posted by The Joker on 13-Aug-2005 | I'm Glad I'm A WomanI'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind
I'm a woman you see -- I'm just not that kind!
I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!
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| Posted by Allison L. Benaderet on 13-Aug-2005 | Male BashingQ: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: Why are men like commercials?
A: You can't believe a word they say.
Q: Why are men like popcorn?
A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
A: Sex.
Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
A: When the power goes off.
Q: What do men and women have in common?
A: They both distrust men.
Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
A: Guilt gifts are nicer.
Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Q: How is a man like the weather?
A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is giving birth.
Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?
A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.
Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?
A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
A: Slow.
Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A: They're married.
Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
A: An insurance company.
Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings?
A: Because they don't have any.
Q: How are men like noodles?
A: They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Q: Why are men and spray paint alike?
A: One squeeze and they're all over you.
Q: Why is food better than men?
A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
A: At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 5000 miles, whichever came first.
Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?
A: So oxygen can get to their brains.
Q: What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
A: If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!
Q: How do you grow your own dope?
A: Plant a man.
Q: How are all men multiorgasmic?
A: They have one small one while having sex with "their" woman....and a second, much bigger one the next day while telling their buddies about it.
Q: What about the man who saw the sign "Drink Canada Dry"?
A: He moved there.
Q: What does a woman do with her asshole before having sex?
A: She drops him off at the golfcourse.
Q: How do you get a man to do situps?
A: Put the remote control between his toes
Q: What do men consider housecleaning?
A: Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them
Q: How do you save a man from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head
Q: What do men consider a 7 course meal?
A: A hotdog and a six pack of beer
Q: How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?
A: No one knows - we've never seen it done!
Q: Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
A: So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.
Q: How can you tell if a man is excited?
A: He's breathing
Q: How do men exercise on the beach?
A: By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by
Q: What do men consider foreplay?
A: Half an hour of begging
Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?
A: Who cares?/?
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind.
2. No business.
Q: If men got pregnant....
A: Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A: Because they already have boyfriends.
Q: Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
A: He had it bronzed.
Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river.
Q: What is gross stupidity?
A: 144 men in one room.
Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?
A: A padded headboard.
Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".
Q: What can a bird do that a man can't?
A: Whistle through its pecker!
Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A: Both of them.
Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?
A: A sex-change operation.
Q: Why did the man cross the road?
A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: Why do women fake orgasm?
A: Because men fake foreplay!
Q: Why do men talk so dirty?
A: So they can wash their mouth out with beer.
Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: Who has the time?
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: They won't stop to ask directions!
Q: Why don't women have men's brains?
A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in!
Q: What do toy trains and breasts have in common?
A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them!
Q: What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand?
A: A man's undivided attention.
Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.
Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?
A: His brains fall out.
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