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| Posted by Ring a Ding Kid on 09-Aug-2005 | DeliriousWhere am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?
You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember.
Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin.
When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spalding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear." That was the last thing I remember.
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| Posted by cony on 09-Aug-2005 | Aussie RapeA woman walked into a police station and went up to the reception desk.
"I've just been raped" she complained to the desk sergeant.
The sergeant took down her personal details and then asked her, "Did you
get a look at your assailant Miss ?".
"I sure did. He was a New Zealand cricketer" she replied.
"How do you know he was a cricketer ?" asked the sergeant.
"Well he was dressed all in white. White shirt, pants and shoes" replied the woman.
"Could he possibly have been an outdoor bowler Miss, as they also wear white clothing ?" questioned the sergeant.
"No, he was definitely a cricketer. He still had his pads on" came her
reply.
"OK, so he's a cricketer. How do you know he's a New Zealand cricketer?"
asked the sergeant.
Woman replied, "Well he had to be, he wasn't in for long !!!"
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| Posted by Chris Gyorkos on 09-Aug-2005 | Horny ParrotA guy has a horny parrot. It's terrible. Every time he reaches into the cage, the bird humps his arm.
He invites his mother to tea, the bird keeps saying foul things. Finally he takes the parrot to a vet.
The vet examines the bird extensively, says, "Well, you have a horny male parrot. I have a sweet young female bird, and for fifteen dollars your bird can go in the cage with mine."
The guy's parrot is listening and says, "Come on! Come on! What are you waiting for??"
Finally, the guy says all right and hands over the fifteen dollars.
The vet takes the parrot, puts him in the cage with the female bird, closes the curtain. Suddenly, "Kwah! Kwah! Kwah!" Feathers come flying out of the cage.
The vet says, "Holy gee," and runs across the room and opens the curtain.
The male bird has the female bird down on the bottom of the cage, pulling out all her feathers.
The vet screams, "what are you doing to my poor parrot?"
The male parrot replies, "for fifteen bucks, I want her naked!"
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| Posted by Brittani A. Smith on 09-Aug-2005 | Stray pussyOne hot July day we found this old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry site. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her, and put her in a carrier and took her to the Vet. She had no name so we named her pussy cat.
The Vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband, the complainer said "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." My husband and my Vet don't see eye to eye. He calls my hubby El Cheap-O, and my hubby calls him El Take-O.
The next day hubby had an appointment with his Doctor, which is located next door to the Vet.
The Doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the Doctor.
The door opened and in popped the vet and announces to my hubby, "Your wife's pussy is finally shaved and clean. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she is pregnant. God knows who the father is!" and then he closed the door.
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| Posted by Gina E. Haver on 09-Aug-2005 | African RouletteThe ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador.
For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette."
"One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay.
Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette".
So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:
"One of them's a cannibal."
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| Posted by vicky on 09-Aug-2005 | A good nights sleepBy the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You;ve got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
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