|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Kailee J. Spencer on 14-Aug-2005 | Demerit System used by WomenFor all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is. In
the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do
something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points
are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...
Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point
system.
Simple Duties
You make the bed..................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.......................-1
You leave the toilet seat up......................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.......-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You check out a suspicious noise at night .....................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...............0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her father..............................................-10
Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy.......-2
Named Tiffany...................-4
Tiffany is a dancer.............-6
Tiffany has implants............-8
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner..................................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar...................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.............................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team..................-10
Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely........................-20
You forget your anniversary...............................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station..............-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey............................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...............-60
A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal .........................................-5
And the pal is happily married ............................-4
Or frighteningly single ...................................-7
And he drives a Mustang...................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ............-15
You have a few beers.......................................-9
And miss curfew by an hour................................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call............-20
You get home at 3 am......................................-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ..-40
Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from
work.................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real
late..........+10
You wait up......................................................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed...+20
A Night Out
You take her to a movie.........................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ...............................+6
You take her to a movie you like................................-2
It's called DeathCop 3..........................................-3
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15
Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it's expected..................... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ....+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ......+30
And she contracts Lyme disease..................................-25
Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly...............................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of
it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts.......-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too".........-800
Finances
You spend a lot of money on something impractical................-5
Something she can't use.........................................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane...............................-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday..................-40
Driving
You lost the directions on a trip...............................-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost................-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town .................-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and
personal.........-25
You know them..................................................-60
The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?" .....................................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding.....................................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................................-35
Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression..............0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...............-20
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Meg Bailey on 14-Aug-2005 | Women DriversI was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver
cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to
drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm
out his window and flipped the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid!" I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a
female does anything to me in traffic and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles
each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway so if you
just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass
something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be
982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I
figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass
every day.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's
18,000.
In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day
of their period. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all
females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's
98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association 5% of all females
carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one
female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest
problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having
the worst day of her period, and is armed.
Flip one off?
.....I think not.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Nate M. F on 14-Aug-2005 | Men Are the Better SexLet's look at a few rather important topics to prove this:
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will
call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike,
Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Pecker and Schmucko.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each
throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them
will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they
want some change back. The girls get their bill, out come the
pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1
for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothpaste,
toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from
the Holiday Inn.; The average number of items in the
typical woman's bathroom is 337.No man will be able to
identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says
after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.
THE FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man
never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A
man marries a woman expecting she won't change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A
man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite
foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware
of short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Every married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in
two people remembering the same thing, is there?
LISTENING
What a woman says: "C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need
to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes
if we don't do laundry now."
What a man hears: C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah,
blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Ryan Warden on 14-Aug-2005 | Her Side/His SideHER SIDE OF THE STORY
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might
have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn't say
anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go
off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We
went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I
tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or
something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really
sure.
So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that
I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what
the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or
anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering
if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but
he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to
go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we
had sex.
But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just
wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I dunno, I
just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think
he's met someone else???
HIS SIDE OF THE STORY
My team lost. Felt Kinda Tired. Got laid though.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Kabez Blesing on 14-Aug-2005 | Men vs. WomenRelationships:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart
out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All
Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and
say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll
never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy.
But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us."
This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone
call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are
community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this
need.
Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back
to her place as part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can
function as adults.
Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high
school romances rarely work out.
Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's
magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because
the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body
is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most
naked men elicit laughter from women.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationery and they
dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously
large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read
a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a
smiley face at the end of the note.
Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday
Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom
is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Grocies:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to
the store and buys these things.
A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a
lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's
car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him
from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit,
then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in
a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put
on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off
because her feet are under the desk.
A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk
about how many days he'll wear the same socks.
Leg warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or
doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear
them any time she wants.
A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the
Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
Cats:
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick
cats.
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and
best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and
dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Low blows:
Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV.
One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, "Oh,
gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and
actually FEELS the pain.
Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days.
A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he
will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will
wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his
mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet
beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by
re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
Eating out:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw
in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them
will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they
want change back.
When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in
any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe
Garagiola's head.
Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes.
The nature and degree of these changes varies with the
individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys
aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves,
and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon
returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk
for three hours.
Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy
who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the
age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get
older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and
impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's. Car
phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers.
Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games.
Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D"
batteries to operate.
Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for
state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take
photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up
taking better pictures.
Locker rooms:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football,
and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories
about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex. And not in
abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
technical, and they never lie.
Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude
scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has
been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared
nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why
men hate him.
Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more
than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Time:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more
minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says
the football game just has five minutes left. Neither of them is
counting time outs, commercials, or replays.
Conversation:
Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow, great
movie.", "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that
size." "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia
guys", etc...
Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations
with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the
roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good
restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.
Friends:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time.
Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most
of which are "Pass the Doritos or Got any more beer?"
Restrooms:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use
restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak
a word to each other. Women who've never met will leave a
restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the
history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant
table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do
you want to join me?"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Erhan Eryurt on 14-Aug-2005 | What They Say vs. What They MeanWomen's English:
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by
now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and
wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really
not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good
game on TV.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him
until he falls asleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think this is
Important.
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole.
**********
Men's English:
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry.
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy.
"I'm tired" = I'm tired.
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you.
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you.
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you.
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you.
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle
you.
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why your making such a big deal
about this.
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological
trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
"I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you." = Let's have sex now.
"I love you, too." = Okay, I said it... we'd better have sex now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better
before.
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't
look that much different!
"Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing you that I
am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have
sex with other guys.
(while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin'
dress and let's go home!
"I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I
am gay.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
