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| Posted by Kevin J. Hall on 14-Aug-2005 | Dennis Miller's Advice to MenDENNIS MILLER'S ADVICE TO MEN ABOUT WHAT WOMEN WANT
Nowadays it seems like they want....other women. No, uhh....some women want zero from a man, and others want lots of zeros from a man. Let's see, the myth is that women want Brad Pitt in the bedroom, Brad Pitt in the kitchen, Brad Pitt around the house, Brad Pitt during a game, Brad Pitt when they're sick, Brad Pitt in conversation, the body of Brad Pitt in 'Legends of the Fall' combined with the voice of Brad Pitt, and to top it all off the IQ of Fabio on two bottles of NyQuil.
Another myth is that a woman must be married by a certain age or she'll never find stability. Hey, I've got news for you, ladies: looking to men for stability is like going to Crispin Glover for psychoanalysis, all right?
And yet a third myth is that men think that women like guys who are dangerous. As a result, guys will often smoke cigarettes, drink too much, and ride a motorcycle without a helmet. Women don't like guys who are dangerous. Women want us to think that because women are trying to kill us.
Now I'll be the first to admit that men's advice on women is about as reliable as an M-16 in the mud, but this is what I kinda sorta, maybe think women want from men.
ONE- Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.
TWO- If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don't try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.
THREE- Quit blowing smoke up women's asses about the sanctity and power they possess as lifegivers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare and we won't have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.
FOUR- Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at...say Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn't you, because he's a slacking, worthless, toady idiot. Now imagine making 30 percent less than Carl. Hellooo....
FIVE- This is very important: During lovemaking: Don't ask, "Who's your daddy?" Even as a joke. All right? It's not funny.
SIX- When her mouth moves, pay attention, words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.
SEVEN- Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rock stars to have women their own age in their videos.
EIGHT- Don't ask her if she came. You're a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.
NINE- Don't tell her how to merge and she won't tell you to ask for directions.
TEN- When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.
So, guys, at the end of the what women want is this: equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are. Or if that's too much to ask, how about a big diamond the size of your head?
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| Posted by James Bond on 14-Aug-2005 | Urinal RulesMen should ace this test ... women may have a little difficulty.
There IS a code of Restroom Etiquette" that MUST be followed. ===============================================
The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room. An X above the number will indicate "in use."
(Sample):
~~ ~~ ~~ x ~~ ~~ ~~ x ~~
(Indicates that urinals 3 and 6 ~~ 1 ~~ 2 ~~ 3 ~~ 4 ~~ 5 ~~ 6 ~~ are occupied.)
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You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at which stall you are to stand. Good luck!
1.) ~~ ~~ x ~~ ~~ x ~~ ~~ ~~ (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.)
~~ 1 ~~ 2 ~~ 3 ~~ 4 ~~ 5 ~~ 6 ~~
Your choice: ___
Correct answer: 6 It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this.
===============================================
2.) ~~ x ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ (Urinal 1 occupied.)
~~ 1 ~~ 2 ~~ 3 ~~ 4 ~~ 5 ~~ 6 ~~
Your choice: ___
Correct answer: 6 Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later.
===============================================
3.) ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ (empty)
~~ 1 ~~ 2 ~~ 3 ~~ 4 ~~ 5 ~~ 6 ~~
Your choice: __
Correct answer: 1 or 6 You are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me."
===============================================
4.) ~~ ~~ x ~~ ~~ x ~~ ~~ x ~~ (2, 4 and 6 occupied)
~~ 1 ~~ 2 ~~ 3 ~~ 4 ~~ 5 ~~ 6 ~~
Your choice: ___
Correct answer: 1 You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in.
===============================================
5.) ~~ ~~ x ~~ ~~ ~~ x ~~ x ~~ (2, 5 and 6 occupied)
~~ 1 ~~ 2 ~~ 3 ~~ 4 ~~ 5 ~~ 6 ~~
Your choice: __
Correct answer: 4 Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand!
===============================================
6.) ~~ x ~~ x ~~ ~~ ~~ x ~~ x ~~ (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied)
~~ 1 ~~ 2 ~~ 3 ~~ 4 ~~ 5 ~~ 6 ~~
Your choice: ___
Correct answer: NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for god's sake! ... use a doored stall. ===============================================
Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:
-- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse.
-- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offense.
-- NO Singing. Period.
-- Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again".
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| Posted by pika_cat12 on 14-Aug-2005 | New Courses for MenClass size is limited to 10 as course material may prove difficult.
Agenda
1. Combating Stupidity
2. You Too Can Do Housework
3. P.M.S. Learning To Keep Your Mouth Shut
4. How To Fill An Ice Tray
5. We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas - Give Us $$$$$
6. Understanding The Female Responses To Your Coming In Drunk at 4am
7. Wonderful Laundry Techniques - (Formally Called "Don't Wash My Silks")
8. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
9. You - The Weaker Sex
10. Reasons To Give Flowers
11. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But The Bathroom
12. How To Stay Awake After Sex
13. Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
14. Sex 101 - You Can Fall Asleep Without It, If You Really Try Sex 102 - The Morning Dilemma - If It's "Awake", Take A Cold Shower
15. The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
16. How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
17. How To Go Shopping With Your Mate And Not Get Lost
18. The Remote Control - Overcome Your Dependency
19. Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
20. How Not To Get Younger Than Your Children
21. You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
22. Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When Naked
23. Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works
24. The Attainable Goal - Omitting @#$% From Your Vocabulary
25. Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
26. Real Men Ask For Directions
A COPY OF THE ABOVE ENDED UP IN OUR LOCAL SHERIFF'S HANDS SO HE DECIDED TO HELP UPDATE THESE COURSES....
While I certainly can't dispute some of the coursework you've listed in such a cavalier fashion, you forgot to show some of the classes that males take great pride in. They are:
1. Eating Straight Out of the Can . . . an environmentalist approach
2. Flatulence As An Art Form
3. If It's There, Why Can't I Touch It? The key to understanding women
4. Duct Tape - 101
5. Duct Tape - Advanced - The Magic Silver Strip
6. It's Mine...I Can Scratch It...Assertiveness training
7. Cooking for Fun and Sex
8. Beer Gargling ... Prerequisite is Chemistry 101
9. How To Make Your Woman Really Hot (blow your nose on her curtains)
10. Cussing to Make Your Point (Sub. for Speech 101, Asshole)
11. Cooties - How to Check Girls for Them
12. How To Order at a Fancy Restaurant
13. How To Slip Out Without Paying At A Fancy Restaurant
14. How To Have Great Sex
15. How To Have Great Sex With A Partner (Advanced Only)
Dr.Suite, CEO of the PyBRUs Chapter "Men can be amusing, really" offers courses for women who want to better understand their men. Courses are limited to 50 per class (this curriculum is usually easily assimilated by the female gender).
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| Posted by stan81 on 14-Aug-2005 | My Dad's Incredible"You know, my dad's incredible, he's still having sex at 87"
"Is that so!"
"Yes, trouble is he lives at no. 52"
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| Posted by cony on 14-Aug-2005 | If Men Rewrote The Rules.Rule # 1 - Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2 - If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
Rule # 3 - If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
Rule # 4 - It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5 - Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6 - Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
Rule # 7 - You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
Rule # 8 - Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Rule # 9 - Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 10 - Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
Rule # 11 - When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
Rule # 12 - Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
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| Posted by Little Angel Me on 14-Aug-2005 | Male ChauvenistQ. How many male chauvenists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Who cares...let the bitch cook in the dark!!!
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