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you know why a man has a hole in the end of his penis? To get oxygen to his brain

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	():Body & Health (530): Nursing Home Woes

Posted by Charles Jupe on 13-Aug-2005

Nursing Home Woes

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. ''So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?'' They ask.

''It's pretty nice,'' she replies. ''Except they won't let you fart''

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	():Body & Health (530): Careful control

Posted by Anya on 13-Aug-2005

Careful control

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. 'And just how would I go about doing that?' he asked.

'It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate.'

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. 'Crap!' exclaimed the pastor. It took them a week to clean up the church.

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	():Body & Health (530): Normal male

Posted by fallen*starlight on 13-Aug-2005

Normal male

Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

"Wow," Ed said. "I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?" Ted said.

"All twisted like a pig's tail," Ed said.

"Well, what's yours like?" Ted said.

"Straight, like normal," Ed said.

"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Ted said.

Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. "What did you do that for?" Ted said.

"Shaking off the excess drops," Ed said. "Like normal."

"Cripes," Ted said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

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	():Body & Health (530): Policy

Posted by Kabez Blesing on 13-Aug-2005

Policy

Morris walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "We don't need anyone," they replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything."

"Well we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job." He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks - one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.

"How in the world did you do that?" they asked.

"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman. I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

Morris was gone about six hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."

"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a State Teacher's Convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

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	():Body & Health (530): Close Quarters

Posted by Aimee C. Goldberg on 13-Aug-2005

Close Quarters

It was a really hot day at the office. There were about 20 people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.

All of a sudden, people started to wrinkle their noses at an odor passing through the air. It was the most hideous smell anyone had ever smelt. One man said, "Uh oh, someone's deodorant isn't working."

A man in the corner replied, "It can't be me. I'm not wearing any."

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