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():sex jokes (1888): Describing your wife's . . . |
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| Posted by Private Private on 13-Aug-2005 | Off DutyA police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, ''Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache.''
''Certainly, honey,'' he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, ''Say,'' said the druggist, ''I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?''
''Yeah, so?'' said the officer. ''Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?''
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| Posted by Goth Chik on 13-Aug-2005 | In the showerA salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home. Johnny said, ''Yes.'' The salesman said, ''Well, can I see him please?'' Johnny snickered and said, ''No, he is in the shower.'' Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home. Johnny said, ''Yes.''
The salesman said, ''Well can I see her?'' Johnny snickered again and said, ''No, she's in the shower too.'' The salesman then asked, ''Do you think they will be out soon?'' Johnny laughed this time and said ''No.'' The salesman asked, ''Why?''
''Well'', Johnny said, ''when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue.''
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| Posted by Jocky on 13-Aug-2005 | Shipwrecked ScotsmanA Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymphet standing over him. She asks, ''Would you like some food?'' The Scot hoarsely croaks, ''Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week noo and I am verra hungry!''
She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks, ''Would you like something to drink?'' ''Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much like a drink!'' She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey.
The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, ''Would you like to play around?'' ''Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!''
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| Posted by Erin on 13-Aug-2005 | Mechanical worldA traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk and asked if there was a barber on the premises. ''I'm afraid not, sir,'' the clerk told him, ''but down the hall is a special machine that should serve your purposes.''
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine, inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his head in the mirror, which reflected the best haircut he ever received in his life.
Down the hall was another machine with a sign that read, ''Manicures - 25 cents.'' ''Why not?'' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and pulled them out perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a huge sign that read, ''This Machine Provides What Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - cost 50 cents.'' The salesman was embarrassed and looked both ways. Seeing nobody around he put in fifty cents, then unzipped his pants and stuck his ''thing'' into the opening - with great anticipation, since he had been away from his wife for two weeks. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony.
Fifteen seconds later it shut off and, with trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his ''thingy''... Which now had a button sewed on the tip.
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():sex jokes (1888): Who's the child's father? |
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| Posted by Lehe c. wentzell on 13-Aug-2005 | Who's the child's father?A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, ''Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?''
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. ''Yes. Yes he did.'' The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks ''Who? Who was he? Who was the father?''
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, ''You.''
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