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| Posted by Dave Ryan on 09-Aug-2005 | Desperate menThree desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual sex addict.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.
While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words.
As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
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| Posted by mas on 09-Aug-2005 | Need lightA man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
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| Posted by Gabi A. Mottola on 09-Aug-2005 | Anyone coming?The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day.
The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.
After a few seconds he rose and said, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you Indians are smart, how the hell did you know there were buffaloes coming?"
Tonto replied, "Face sticky."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
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| Posted by Zach Budnick on 09-Aug-2005 | Boy scoutsThree Boy Scouts, a lawyer, a priest, and a pilot are in a plane that is about to crash.
The pilot says "Well, we only have 3 parachutes, let's give them to the 3 Boy Scouts. They are young and have their whole lives in front of them."
The lawyer says, "Fuck the Boy Scouts!"
The priest asks, "Do we have time?"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
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| Posted by Brendan Bambam on 09-Aug-2005 | For rentA proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.00.
When he was ready to leave, he told her that he did not have any cash with him but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling it "Rent For Apartment."
On the way to the office he decided that the whole event was not worth the price he agreed to pay, so he had his secretary send a note with a check for $250.00 and enclosed the following note:
Dear madam,
Enclosed, you should find a check in the amount of $250.00 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied.
2. That there was plenty of heat.
3. It was small.
Last night I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat and it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250.00 with the following note:
Dear sir,
I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how turn it on. And if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, don't blame me.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
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| Posted by Katie F. on 09-Aug-2005 | Back up boys!Once there was a sperm named Bob.
When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights.
One day, all the other sperms asked him, "Why don't you just swim around like us?"
Bob replied, with a smirk, "Well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there."
The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't.
So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.
The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "Back up boys, it's a BLOW JOB!"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman and Tantilazing
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