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| Posted by Zak on 09-Aug-2005 | Diagnosis"You've got a touch of pneumonia," said the medical officer after examining the new enlistee.
"Are you sure, sir?" queried one worried man. "I have known civilian people told they have pneumonia but then die of something quite different."
"You are not in civil life, Samson. You're in the Army!" thundered the medical officer. "And if you get treated in the Army for pneumonia, you die of pneumonia."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
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| Posted by Charlotte M. D on 09-Aug-2005 | Mens advice to women...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
...Please don't drive when you're not driving.
...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!
...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Mark M on 09-Aug-2005 | Men are like...Men are like toilets -- either they're taken, or full of crap!
Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by BreeBrown
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| Posted by Paul C. Rudge on 09-Aug-2005 | StrandedOne day this guy, who's been stranded all alone on a deserted island for 10 years, is sitting out on the beach when a beautiful woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear suddenly emerges from the surf.
She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She unzips a waterproof pocket and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Oh, that's good!"
Then the woman asks, "How long has it been since you've had a drink?"
Trembling, the man says, "Ten long years!"
The woman unzips her waterproof pocket on her left sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
The man takes a long swig and says, "Man, that's sweet!"
The woman then starts slowly unzipping the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
The man, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet mother of God! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by BreeBrown
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| Posted by jc spencer on 09-Aug-2005 | Flat onesWhat do rocks and women have in common?
You skip the flat ones!
Submitted by blueindiansquaw
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Philip Hadfield on 09-Aug-2005 | Perfect breakfastYou're sitting at the table and your son is on the cover of Wheaties.
Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.
And your wife is on the back of the milk carton.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
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