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():sex jokes (1888): Diary Of A Mad Viagra Housewife |
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| Posted by spinach on 14-Aug-2005 | Diary Of A Mad Viagra HousewifeDear Diary:
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, 'this time, I'd rather not have your mother join us.' I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you!
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working. What am I gonna do?
Day 11
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.
Day 12
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with a Black and Decker power tool.
Day 13
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying 'fabulous,' and still he keeps coming after me!
Day 14
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out!
Day 15
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.
Day 16
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he wants to... stiff! With my luck, I won't be able to close the casket.
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():sex jokes (1888): The Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence |
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| Posted by i-HaVe PmS on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence15> Abstinence: Give Yourself a Hand!
14> I say zip it -- zip it good!
13> Just because it's the most pleasurable sensation you'll ever feel in your lifetime doesn't mean you should rush right out and experience it.
12> Hey, do you want Ken Starr all over your ass?!
11> Wham, Bam, Thank You Hand!
10> Just Say Whoa
9> Join the celibate Top 5 Contributors!
8> The Pope does it -- now *you* can, too!
7> Abstinence: It's not just for quarrels anymore!
6> Leave It Near Beaver
5> Don't think of it as less sex -- think of it as more time to watch "Babylon 5" reruns.
4> You've come a long way, Baby -- for nothing!
3> Abstinence: No f**kin' way!
2> Spend a little time away from the orifice.
1> "Hello, this is President Clinton with an important message for young people..."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by The Gekko on 14-Aug-2005 | Just a Little PussyA certain virginal and shy college freshman was lucky to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate was quick to offer to set him up with a blonde who'd made the rounds of the campus.
Just take this bimbo out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course, he explained reassuringly. This girl knows what the score is, and she's even a natural blonde. The roommate arranged the date as promised.
The freshman was delighted by his cute, outgoing companion and they spent the evening dining and dancing. On the way home he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in a cold sweat, and
blurted out, "Gosh, I sure would love to have a little pussy."
"I would too," sighed the blonde, "Mine's the size of a goddamn milk pail."
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():sex jokes (1888): The Top 14 Signs Your Father is a Pimp |
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| Posted by heyitsbw on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Signs Your Father is a Pimp14> Your name: John
Your brother's name: John
Your other brother's name: John
Your sister's name: Trixie
13> Buys all his clothes at "Dennis Rodman's House of Cool-Looking Shit."
12> Current job: Head of the White House Intern Program.
11> Stubbornly maintains he got his pink Cadillac by selling Mary Kay.
10> Comes home from work grumbling about "that damn Roxy in the S&M Department."
9> When he's carving the Thanksgiving turkey, says, "$40 gets you the sweetest piece of meat you ever saw, man!"
8> Every time you breast feed, he takes $10 out of your college fund.
7> After you collect for your paper route, he demands his "taste."
6> Charlie Sheen is your godfather.
5> You're the only Scout in the troop whose Pinewood Derby car has ocelot seat covers.
4> His most common threat: "Don't make me slap you -- this is my day off!"
3> Like Ward Cleaver, carries a pipe. Unlike Ward Cleaver, shares his pipe with your aunts.
2> Enough about the stable already, where's the damn pony?
1> Every Christmas and birthday present: Another big-ass medallion.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Greg Strickler on 14-Aug-2005 | CarmenA guy starts chatting with a girl in a bar.
"What's your name?" he asks.
"Carmen," she says. "I had my name changed from 'Mary Lou' to 'Carmen', because I love cars and men."
"I see," he says.
"What's your name?" she asks him.
He thought for a second. "Beerfuck."
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():sex jokes (1888): The Top 18 Things Heard on "Straight Eye for the Queer Guy" |
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| Posted by Ramon Hughes on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 18 Things Heard on "Straight Eye for the Queer Guy"18> "You don't need fancy-schmancy shampoos. A gallon of Suave costs $1.99 and will last you six months."
17> "Okay, see that ticker on the bottom of the screen showing up-to-date sports scores? Never noticed that before, did ya?"
16> "A daily Tabasco-sauce gargle will lower the voice an octave and a half, putting it in the perfect range for bellowing 'LOSERS!' at Knicks games."
15> "'Yellow' is a color. 'Red' is a color. 'Tangerine' is a fruit. And if I'm not mistaken, 'lemon chiffon' is a dessert."
14> "For your face-care regimen, I'm switching you to a Norelco rechargeable shaver, followed by a splash of Old Spice. They're both primary sponsors of Dale Earnhardt Jr.'s Winston Cup car."
13> "Reading Maxim magazine is great. Dancing with both hands below your head works fine. Now let's talk about your Episcopalian religion...."
12> "Make sure to scoop the salsa carefully, so the chip doesn't brea-- HEY! Keep that pinky down!"
11> "Try not to be the first one in *and* the last one out of the shower, Mr. Piazza."
10> "Don't bother trying to find 'Skoal brown' and 'Bud yellow' in a paint store -- you gotta mix those colors yourself."
9> "You're probably unaware of how many food items are now available in convenient aerosol form."
8> "First things first: Let's teach you the difference between dirty and unwearable."
7> "I'm tellin' ya, it don't matter if the shoes 'accessorize with the rest of the ensemble,' as long as you can easily clean vomit off 'em."
6> "Leather jacket? Sure! Leather pants? Iffy. Leather chaps? Only if Mistress Helga is going to spank you tonight."
5> "Okay, I'm *sorry* my rottweiler dismembered your bichon frise -- but trust me, you don't want a gay dog like that anyway."
4> "When at a restaurant, order whatever you want -- as long as you look and talk directly into the imaginary camera nestled between the waitress' breasts."
3> "Never shave on a weekend, unless you're going to a wedding where you have a chance at nailing a bridesmaid."
2> "Let's talk about the holy trinity of interior design: pizza boxes, neon Budweiser signs and Heineken mirrors."
1> "First of all, you gotta stop crying every time Greta Van Susteren says how much jail time Martha Stewart might get."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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