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| Posted by DAVID on 09-Aug-2005 | DiaryDEAR DIARY
Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in
the bathroom and cried.
Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says,
and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me
something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a
picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix
his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra,
things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this
will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift
something other than his mood.
Day 5.
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6.
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at
Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they
were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't
think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing
the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also
getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9.
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And
to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky!
What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11.
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and
Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my
armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12.
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or
even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become
dangerous ..
Day 13.
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to
bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops,
sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14.
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started
dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.
Day 15.
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit
on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over
any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.
Day 16.
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody
thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going
back on Prozac.
Day 17.
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any
difference......Christ !!! here he comes again.
Day 18.
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all
day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything
for him. What absolute bliss!!.
Submitted by Curtis
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| Posted by Horse's Heaven on 09-Aug-2005 | Good watermelonAt a gynecologists' convention Dr. Goldfinger began to read his paper on "The Variation of the Clitoris".
"One of the most unusual cases I ever came across," he told his audience, "was a clitoris that had a close resemblance to a watermelon."
Dr. Goldfinger was interrupted by another doctor, who said that he might have been examining an enlarged organ but to compare it to a watermelon would indeed be frivolous.
Goldfinger stared him down and replied: "I wasn't refering to size but to taste."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
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| Posted by Blindy Rox on 09-Aug-2005 | Not bad huh?A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter and shouts, "Open the safe!"
"But this is not a real bank," the woman replies "it's a sperm bank."
"Open the safe or I'll shoot!" the man shouts.
The woman, now terrified, opens the safe.
"Now take one of the bottles and drink it", he says.
"But sir, these are sperm samples!" the woman replies.
"Just drink it or I'll shoot!"
The woman opens the bottle and drinks it. "Now take another bottle and drink it!"
"But sir, I just drank one."
"Drink another one or I will shoot you!"
The woman has no alternative and drinks a second bottle.
When she has emptied it the man now takes off his mask and the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband.
"Now you see, honey", he says, "it isn't so difficult now is it!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
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| Posted by Wesley Allen on 09-Aug-2005 | Show it again, SamThe film board of censors had just viewed a new film of dubious social and artistic value, when the chairman arose and said:
"I believe I speak for all of us when I request another showing of that revolting, disgusting scene with the midget, the airedale, the gorilla, the two naked men and the two naked girls."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
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| Posted by Josh Morton on 09-Aug-2005 | Nice assAn escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years.
Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
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| Posted by julij on 09-Aug-2005 | Sex surveyThe research worker, conducting a sex survey, phoned one of the husbands whose completed form was spread out before him.
"Mr Pullman, there seems to be some discrepancies between the answers of you and your wife to the same question. For example, under 'Frequency of Intercourse' you wrote, 'Three times a week', and your wife, 'Three times a night'."
"Well, that's right," replied the husband, "but that's only until we have paid off the mortage on the house."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
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