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| Posted by Matt R. Dube on 09-Aug-2005 | DictionaryI'm thinking about getting married.
I looked up the word "engaged" in the dictionary.
It said, "To do battle with the enemy."
Then I looked up "mother-in-law." It said, "See engaged."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Christ on 09-Aug-2005 | 20 year anniversaryA woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee and says, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too," she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Taryn Holt on 09-Aug-2005 | Ongoing noteJoe woke up one morning with an enormous boner and looked for his wife, but she had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:
THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD.
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.
The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy.
It read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN,
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY.
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE,
NO CIRCUS TODAY.
So he sent another note down, it read:
THE TENT POLE'S STILL UP,
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD.
SO DROP WHAT YOU'RE DOING,
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD.
To which she replied:
I'M SURE THAT YOUR POLE'S
THE BEST IN THE LAND.
BUT I'M BUSY RIGHT NOW,
SO DO IT BY HAND!!
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Joseph Feldstein on 09-Aug-2005 | Cris-CoThere was this old guy wandering around in a supermarket calling out at intervals - "Crisco? Crisco? CRIS--CO!!!!"
Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five."
"Oh," replied the old guy, "I'm not looking for Crisco, I'm calling my wife."
"Your wife is named 'Crisco?"'
"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we come to the supermarket."
"Oh? What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?
"Lard Ass!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by bob d. mackland on 09-Aug-2005 | DietOne time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner.
I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over eat," she answered.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
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| Posted by Briman B. Briman on 09-Aug-2005 | Faithful?How can you tell if your husband might be unfaithful?
Check and see if he has a penis.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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