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| Posted by A very nice person who doesn't swear on 09-Aug-2005 | Diesel fitterSven and Ole worked together, were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said "Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic on to cotton panties."
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Ole goes in and sits down with the lady. She asked Ole his occupation. "Diesel fitter" he replied. Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week.
When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay.
The clerk explained, "When I looked it up, panty stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers."
"What skill?" yelled Sven. "I sew the elastic on. He pulls on it and says, 'Yep, diesel fitter.' "
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by dantheman on 09-Aug-2005 | PartnershipThis guy had a perpetual erection. It was constantly hard, day and night.
He went to a drug store to see if he could get something for it.
The pharmacist was a lady and he was kind of ashamed to tell her.
She said, "Don't be ashamed, I'm a professional, you can tell me anything."
He told her, "I have this perpetual hard-on. What can you give me for it?"
She responded, "Wait a minute, I'll have to talk to my partner I'll be right back," and she went into the back to talk to her sister who was her partner in the drugstore.
She came back shortly and told him, "The best we can do is give you $500 and part ownership in the drugstore."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
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| Posted by "Princess on 09-Aug-2005 | It's a guy thing!"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"I CAN'T FIND IT"
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by missa whowantstoknow on 09-Aug-2005 | Bungee jumpingWhat do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common?
1) They both cost about $100.
2) They both last about 30 seconds.
3) And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you're a dead man.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Hiker on 09-Aug-2005 | Clever menDo clever men make good husbands?
Clever men don't become husbands!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Matt Freeman on 09-Aug-2005 | Brace yourselfTwo hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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