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| Posted by bob d. mackland on 09-Aug-2005 | DietOne time when I was home visiting my folks, my mom asked me to set the table for dinner.
I opened the refrigerator and taped to the inside of the door was a risque picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built, but scantily-clad young woman.
"Mom, what's this?" I asked.
"Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to over eat," she answered.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
"Is it working?" I asked.
"Yes and no," she explained. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20!"
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| Posted by Briman B. Briman on 09-Aug-2005 | Faithful?How can you tell if your husband might be unfaithful?
Check and see if he has a penis.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Garth H. Shack on 09-Aug-2005 | HooverA married couple had a very bad argument one day, it ended up with the husband going to hospital with the hoover pipe shoved up his bum.
A couple of days later, his wife telephoned the hospital to find out how he was.
The doctor said "He's picking up."
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Stu D. Baker on 09-Aug-2005 | UncommunicativeWhy are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Candy baby on 09-Aug-2005 | Mars and Venus thingI never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Mars and Venus thing.
And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"
I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.
The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store.
I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them.
She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say OK.
And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited.
She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared.
I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet, because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring thaw.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Zach Budnick on 09-Aug-2005 | True braveryTrue bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
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