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Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

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	():sex jokes (1888): What pissed me off?

Posted by STATIC X on 14-Aug-2005

What pissed me off?

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in
the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a
lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

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	():sex jokes (1888): Obscure Sexual Terms

Posted by ryan j on 14-Aug-2005

Obscure Sexual Terms

Dictionary of Obscure Sexual Terms

I really can't say I agree with most of these things, but, hey,
it's funny as all Hell. Remember, it's just a joke. I'm not sure
what kinds of people try some of these things, but you shouldn't
feel pressured to try any of these. And should something here
offend you, just tell yourself "That's not physically possible.
They just made that up for humor."

Angry Dragon
Immediately after you blow your load in a girl's mouth, smack
the back of her head and make it come out her nose. When she
gets up she'll look like an angry dragon.

Arabian Goggles
A "seldom-seen" maneuver when you put your testicles over her
eye sockets while getting head. (Picture it: ass on forehead) It
may be anatomically impossible, but what the fuck else is new.

The Bait N' Tackle
The sailors used this one in the old Navy days. Before you go
off for a long, lonely voyage, get yourself a tall jar and fill
it completely with earthworms. When you get lonely, open the jar
and fuck away. The earthworms will provide some slithery
stimulation, and your protein load will keep them nicely fed.
Gone fishing!

Ballsacking
Takes some luck of the gene pool, but if you're able to do it,
always great fun. While you are straddling her, take your
nutsack and spread it out over her face like pizza dough.

Bear Claw
A synonym for extremely large vaginal lips.

Beef Curtain
The shanked out remains of the labia after being stretched like
Play-Doh from an hour or so of jimmy-jam.

Beer Dick
This is what most guys get after a good night of drinking. They
tend to fuck anything with a pussy while experiencing beer dick.

Blumpy
You need to find a real tramp to do this right. It involves
having her sucking you off while you are on the toilet.

The Bronco
You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really
enjoying it, you grab her tits as tight as possible and yell
another girls name. This gives you the feeling of riding a wild
bronco as she desperately tries to buck you off.

Brown Bagging It
Sometimes you meet a girl with a body like there's no tomorrow
but a face like a mangy dog. Don't let that body go to waste and
let her hideousness stop you from fucking her though. Just draw
the smiley face on a brown paper bag, place it over her head,
and fuck away while keeping your composure and piece of mind.

Brown Necktie
You're about halfway through ass-wrecking a chick, and instead
of filling up her keister with your demon seed, you pull out and
proceed to tittie fuck her, leaving a brown streak between the
funbags.

Brunski
When a man puts his face between a woman's breasts and quickly
moves his head back and forth while saying "Brunski" in a very
drawn out and exaggerated manner. (There are many other variant
names.)

The Bullwinkle
The sign given to a friend in hiding while doggie styling' some
chick. It is performed by placing both hands over the head, with
palms facing out and waving wildly. Can be supplemented by
shouting "Hey Rocky." (Make sure to use appropriate Bullwinkle
voice tone.)

Butter Face
When you see a chick with an awesome body, "but her face", is
nasty.

The Canine Special
Liberally apply peanut butter to your dick and call over the
family dog. Lick Ubu lick. Good Dog. Arf!

The Carpet Cleaner
While banging a girl doggy style, tie her arms behind her back,
lift up her hips, and run around the room pushing her face first
across the carpet. Not recommended with large women.

The Chili Dog
When you take a hot dump on a girl's tits and then proceed to
titty fuck her.

Chocolate Pizza
Happily discovering hemorrhoids while eating a shitty brown eye.

Cleveland Steamer
The act of leaving a shit stain on the rib cage of a woman while
receiving penile pleasure from friction between the mammaries.

Cock-Stuffing
Apparently somewhat on the fringe in gay circles, but involves
using thin, cylindrical items (thermometers, wire, rubber worms,
etc.), and inserting them into the dick hole. Over many months,
continue to gradually ream out the hole-at-the-head with larger
items, thus ultimately allowing your "buddy" to obtain the goal
of fucking your urethra. Wow!

Cold Lunch
The act of vomiting directly onto some chick's head while she's
performing fellatio.

The Concoction
First, ejaculate all over the floor. Next, have your psycho
girlfriend menstruate on your semen. Stir it with your finger
until you get a nice thick pink mixture. Proceed to paint
yourselves up silly, just as if you were in kindergarten again.

The Compton Gangbang
You meet a young lady at the bar. She tells you she has a
boyfriend, but she ends up going home with you anyway for a
one-night stand. When you take her to your place, tell your
friends to wait outside your bedroom door. Just when she's about
to get off, your friends barge in the room and plainly beat the
shit out of her. That should teach her not to fuck around.
(Ladies, feel free to perform a Compton Gangbang on guys too. I
know you've got some strong girlfriends to help you out.)

Cop's Delight
The act of taking a girl in the ass, pulling out, and spewing
all over her "pastry buns", thus transforming her rump into the
allusion of an oversized, quivering glazed donut.

The Corkscrew
Cross your fingers, middle over index. Twist your wrist back and
forth and go to work on your desired orifice. With practice,
you'll have the effectiveness of a dill press and within weeks
you'll be able to bore through wood.

Corn
Originating from the fine campus of Cornell University comes
this unique, rarely used term. Saying that a girl is "Corn"
means, she is so fucking hot, so beautiful, so utterly drop-dead
gorgeous, that you would happily eat the corn out of her shit.
Can be used as a great pick-up line or friendly compliment, for
instance; "Baby, you're more Corn than Green Giant", or "Damn
bitch, you are Corn!"

Couch Bombing
When you fill a small Ziploc sandwich bag with Crisco (or your
favorite lubrication) and place it between the cushions on the
couch. You then proceed to fuck the couch as if it were a
woman...but no need to buy It dinner first

Coyote
This occurs when you wake up in the room of a nasty wombat and
you know you've got to give her the slip. However, you realize
that your arm is wrapped around her. Therefore you must gnaw off
your own arm to get out of the situation. Can be very painful.

Cum Dumpster
A quadriplegic whore.

Cum Guzzling Sperm Burping Bitch
The once in a lifetime act when blowing a hot steamy load down
the back of the girl's throat, proceed to give her a large cold
bottle of your most favorite carbonated drink and make her
guzzle it down. Then, shake her head vigorously back and forth
to create the Cum Guzzling, Sperm Burping effect. A great way to
impress your friends.

Daisy Chain
Partner (A) is sucking off or eating out partner (B) who is
sucking off or eating out partner (C) and so on until the final
person is sucking off or eating out partner (A). Partners can be
gay, lesbian or straight.

Davey Crockett
A sexual maneuver in which you slip muscle relaxants into your
gal's snizzpod, then slide your head in, thus wearing your
partner's now-relaxed snatch-fur as a coonskin cap. Can come in
handy on those cold winter nights.

Dirty Sanchez
A time honored event in which while laying the bone doggie
style, you insert your finger into her asshole. You then pull it
out and wipe it across her upper lip leaving a thin shit
mustache. This makes her look like someone whose name is Dirty
Sanchez.

Dirty Swirly
While boning a chick doggie style near a toilet (preferably one
filled with a healthy load of shit, or some hot piss, or both),
stick her head in the toilet and flush...she'll dig it.

Dog In A Bathtub
This is a proper name for when you attempt to insert your nuts
into a girl's ass. It is so named because it can be just as hard
as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a bath.

Donkey Punch
Banging a girl doggy style and then moments before you cum, you
stick your dick in her ass, and then punch her in the back of
the neck. The blow to the neck will stun the muscles in the
female's ass, which will constrict the penis and give you a
tremendous orgasmic experience when you ejaculate.

Duct Tape Trick
Wrapping a hamster in duct tape so you can safely screw it
without the danger of a messy split.

Dutch Oven
Entrapping an unsuspecting sleeping partner in a world of ass
odor by farting under the covers and pulling them over her head
(and yours as well if you're into that sort of thing).

Dutch Treat
The unexpected result of a Dutch Oven gone terribly awry. Can be
very messy.

DVDA
The abbreviation for "double-vaginal, double-anal". This is the
term used when a girl takes four cocks in two holes. A hard core
porn industry norm.

The Electric Chair
Your psychobitch girlfriend decides she wants to try something
kinky, so she props your stupid naive ass up in a chair, strips
you down, and ties you up. After arousing you, she then takes a
car battery and clamps two jumper cables to each nut. This
causes you to have all sorts of synapses, spasms, and
convulsions. She then mounts your Frankenstein and proceeds to
get electrofucked. Warning! May cause erectile dysfunction after
performed.

Felching
A gay activity which could be used as a great insult (ie: You
felcher!). It happens when one homosexual fucks another in the
ass and then sucks the jizz out. The show is complete with a
sloppy French kiss.

Fijiing
Same as felching, but you use a straw to suck out all the juice.

The Fish Eye
From behind, you shove both fists in her ass (or his if in
prison). Thereupon she turns around in a one-eyed winking
motionsignaling that she has been there and done that.

Fish-Hook
When you pull back towards the pussy after you stick your finger
up her anus.

The Fire Island
This consists of telling someone you're going to spunk on their
face while they are asleep, only half-jokingly, and then when
they don't believe you, doing it just to prove that you're that
demented.

Flaming Amazon
This one's for all you pyromaniacs out there. When your screwing
some chick, right when your about to cum, you pull out and
quickly grab the nearest lighter and set her pubes on fire,
then...extinguish the flames with your jizz!

Flooding The Cave
Inserting the penis into a woman's pussy and then urinating
inside her. Applies to butt pirates as well.

The Flying Camel
A personal favorite. As she is lying on her back and you are
hammering her from your knees. You very carefully move forward
and prop yourself (without using your arms) on your dick while
it is still inserted in her vagina. You then proceed to flap
your arms and let out a long shrieking howl much like a flying
camel. Strictly a class move.

The Flying Dutchman
This didn't used to be a specific deviant sexual act, it was
just a phrase that sounded dirty and would be shouted out during
intercourse on occasion simply for the novelty factor. However,
its popularity increased and it has now developed into a
specific act, namely that of, just as you are about to blow a
load, in any sort of sexual situation (even masturbation for
those true pioneers who are constantly on the cutting edge of
the sexual revolution) you begin to shout, "Here comes the
Flying Dutchman!" This should confuse your sexual partner (or
whoever is in hearing range) completely, sometimes causing
interesting side effects.

The Fountain Of You
While sitting on her face and having her eat your ass, jerk off
like a madman. Build up as much pressure as possible before you
release and spew like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck
and tits. (Better in her bed)

Fur Ball
You're chomping away at some mighty trollop who has a mane
between her legs the size of Lionel Richie's afro, a mammoth
hair ball gets lodged into your throat.

Gobstopper
With two hands, spread your tramp's anus open, then spit a
big-ass loogie down the asshole then close it back up. You can
give her a smack on the ass when you're done, if you want.

Golden Shower
Any form of dropping piss all over your partner. Great for those
who like water sports.

Greek
The act of using your "glue stick" (if you know what I'm saying)
and gluing your gal's eyes closed with your man seed. E.g. "Hey
guys, check it out, I just greeked her!" or "Sorry honey, but
you asked for the Greek salad

Ham And Cheese Sandwich
Eating a woman's box after you ejaculate all over it. A
delightful, tasty combination of her yummy meat curtains with
your added cheesy topping is sure to appeal to anyone's
appetite.

Hershey Highway
When plugging your girl in the ass, you run into some hot
diarrhea. Don't hurt her feelings by getting grossed out though,
just pretend it's extra lube.

High Dive
The skill of pulling your Johnson all the way out of your
partner's hole and in one motion jamming it home again. Best
suited for use in the corn hole, but can be very dangerous.

The Hindenburg
When some slut who is so bad at oral sex, you're forced to cry
"Oh! The humanity!" as her teeth scrape your man tool.

Hogging
While intoxicated, high, or just plain desperate, you go
searching for the fattest bitch you can find and proceed to ride
her like a Harley. Best accomplished with large groups friends.

Hole In One
The act of sticking your dick in your own ass. Just try not to
get a huge boner once it's in, or you'll get a nice snapparoo.

Hotdog In A Hallway
When laying the pipe, you realize your dick isn't even touching
the walls of her vagina, kind of like tossing a hotdog in a
hallway. Most frequently happens when banging the neighborhood
trick or if you're slinging a small dick.

Hot Karl
The act in which a woman sucks the cock of the same man who
moments earlier was balls deep in her can.

Hot Karl Candy Cane
A variation of the above in which the man who is receiving the
oral cock cleaning gives the woman a reach around.

Hot Lunch
The result of defecating a tube of shit directly into a girl's
mouth.

Hummer
The well known added variation to a blowjob in which a girl hums
her favorite tune while she sucks away. The vibrations felt
against your dick or stones will most definitely produce a
healthy orgasm.

The Hunter Gatherer
You and your partner defecate while 69ing. Pretty much
self-explanatory.

The Indian Cock Burn
While a chick sucks you off, she twists her hand around your
shaft as if she was trying to give you an Indian burn.

The Jedi Mind Trick
When banging your partner, you repeatedly shout "I'm NOT fucking
you, I'm NOT fucking you".

The Jelly Donut
Give some skank a facial and follow it up with a swift pimp
crack in the nose. The resulting blood and jizz that covers her
face bears a resemblance to a jelly donut.

The Juanita Special Bean Dip
While your tramp rides you like a mechanical bull, insert your
thumb into her poop chute (be sure to get your thumb nice and
gooey), then stick your brown thumb into her mouth, and slip it
under her tongue so she can get the full robust taste of the
Juanita "special" bean dip.

Kennebunkport Surprise
The act of covertly filling your cheeks with chunky-style New
England clam chowder, and screaming in disgust as you hurl it
between your partners legs while eating her out.

Kick-Fucking
The act of receiving sexual pleasure from repeatedly getting
kicked in the ass.

The Landshark
The woman braces herself facing a wall, naked, hands against the
wall, legs spread, bent over so that her ass is lusciously
jutting out. (hint: She might want to wear a biking helmet and
some rollerblading wrist guards to avoid serious injury.) Next,
the guy also naked as well as stiff cocked, walks to the
opposite end of the room, places his palms together and raises
them above his head, (thus imitating the dorsal fin of a shark)
and begins chanting the theme to Jaws. When given some
predetermined signal, the guy sprints toward the girl at full
speed with his pelvis-out, fin protruding, and rams her dead
square in the ass.

The Lorena Bobbit
Obviously, this one is for the ladies. When engaging in some
hard core booty sex, squeeze your butt cheeks together as tight
as you can, and start violently jumping and thrashing your ass
around, in an effort to rip his dick off. (To reach true Lorena
status, you must take the severed dick for a drive and then toss
it out the window.)

The Menthol
The act of getting head from a woman who just moments earlier
ate a numerous amounts of cough drops, thus insuring a
pleasurable, tingly feeling on your cock.

The Mellon Dive
Headbutting a woman's big fat titties. Always lots of fun.

Monkey Wrench
When some sadistic bitch takes your dick back between your legs
and sucks you off.

Monroe Transfer
When you and your partner connect each other's assholes with a
tube. One defecates through the tube, thus transferring the
turds to the rectum of the other.

The Moped
A chick that's a fun ride until your friends see you on it, if
you know what I mean.

The Mork
Made famous by Robin Williams on Mork & Mindy, stick your pinky
and ring fingers up a girls ass, then jam your middle and index
fingers up her vagina. (Please note: Not complete until you
finish it off with a Nanoo-Nanoo!)

Moses
A man who enjoys going down on a woman during her period.
Derived from the Biblical figure Moses, who parted the Red Sea.

The Motorboat
While performing oral sex on a girl, flap your lips together on
her clit, thus imitating the sound of a motorboat. She'll love
you forever.

Muff Teaser
Finger, suck, eat, etc. a girl until she is begging for it. Then
rub your stiffy round her golden valley until she screams at you
to give her a banging. Right when her frustration is at its
highest level, stop and finish with a DIY(do it yourself)
hand job. Then leave the room without saying a word. Not to be
tried if you want to shack up with the selfish bitch again.

The Mung
Obtain a female that has been dead for 2-3 days (the time period
since death is important). Then place your mouth just outside
her vaginal opening. Have a friend jump on her stomach, and try
to catch as much stuff that comes out as you can in your mouth.

Mushy Biscuit
This is actually a very fun game. Just choose a piece of food
that you and your male friends like to eat. Then you and your
buddies form a tight circle around the food item and proceed to
jerk off all over it. Last one to bust a nut gets the prize of
eating the food.

New Jersey Meat-Hook
The unusual method of inserting one's finger in the ass of your
partner while screwing her, and feeling her cervix. This
procedure is most effective from behind.

New York Style Taco
Anytime when you are so drunk that when you go down, you barf on
her box. Happy trails.

The Nixon
A variation of the Bullwinkle in which you give two peace signs
as your signal of dominance. May enhance the act by shaking
jowls and yelling, "I'm not a crook". This is considered very
bold and is frowned upon for those with a modicum of decorum.

Oyster
A derivation of the tea bag which is accomplished by numbing
one's testicles with ice and then inserting them in a chicks
mouth and letting the tramp munch on them.

Pasadena Mudslide
This happens when you leave a windy shit between the breasts of
a woman while you straddle her neck for a blowjob. (A close
cousin to the Cleveland Steamer.)

Pattycake
While you're nailing some girl doggie style and your friend is
catching some head off the same girl, you get a quick game of
pattycake going. This makes you reminisce of your childhood
memories and eases the sight of watching your friend blow his
load.

Paying The Rent
A position in which the woman is folded in half, knees above
shoulders, while the man holds the back of her calves and bangs
ferociously.

Peanut Butter And Jelly Sandwich
Shit on a woman's snatch during menstruation. Proceed to munch.
Mmmm Mmmm Nasty! (Crunchy or smooth...depending on what you've
been eating.)

Pearl Necklace
Well known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a girl
- it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry.

The Pig Roast
While you're plugging some girl's hole doggie style, (up the
dirt road or the funhole, pick your poison) she's blowing your
best friend's cock at the same time, hence simulating a pig on a
spit. Very Similar to Chinese Finger Cuffs.

Pink Glove
Hate when this happens. Every so often a girl is not wet enough
during sex. When you finally pull out to give her money, the
inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.

The Pirate's Treasure
While fucking your girl in the ass, you strike a hefty load of
shit. After you've found this buried treasure deep in her booty,
you scream, "Argh!", like a pirate.

Plating
Take a clear, glass plate and place it on your partners face,
then shit on it. It gives them a nice view without all the messy
cleanup. How come you don't see that on any Dawn commercials?

The Popcorn Trick
First, take your girlfriend to the cinemas, for a nice romantic
date. Buy a tub of popcorn, wait until the lights dim, and
carefully make a hole in the bottom on the tub. Then,
inconspicuously insert your penis through the bottom of the tub
into the popcorn and casually offer some to your bitch. When she
digs in, she will find nice surprise. Who doesn't love buttered
popcorn?

Puerto Rican Fog Bank
While 69ing with your partner, release a cloud of sphincter fog
directly into her nostrils.

Purple Mushroom
This occurs when a woman is giving you oral sex and you withdraw
your penis in order to poke it back into her cheek. It should
leave a lasting impression similar to a purple mushroom.

Queef
A well known, but sometimes embarrassing occurrence. Queefing
happens when air gets trapped in a girls vagina, and makes a
soft hissing, or farting kind of a sound while that air is
released.

The Ram
When attacking from behind, you start ramming her head against
the wall in a rhythmic motion. The force of the wall should
allow for deeper penetration. Very handy in those lulls in
penile sensitivity.

Rear Admiral
An absolute blast. When getting a chick from behind (while both
partners standing), make sure you don't let her grab on to
anything when she is bent over. Then, drive you hips into her
backside so that you end up pushing her forwards. The goal is to
push her into a wall or table. It's almost as much fun watch her
face hit the floor. You rise to Admiral status when you can bang
her around the room without crashing into anything and not using
your hands to grab onto her hips

Red Wings
Another name for navigating the moose knuckle with your tongue
while discovering the girl is on her rag. Be a real man and earn
your red wings soldier!

Resuscitation
When a girl is asleep, carefully open her mouth so that she
doesn't awake. Then, squat over her face and carefully place
your shit hole on her lips. When the time is right, you let rip
the biggest baddest fart ever known to man and see if it wakes
her up. Great fun during those long sleepless nights.

The Roddy Piper
When getting your girl from behind, you toss the sleeper hold on
her and knock her out ala Rowdy Roddy Piper. While nailing your
unconscious victim, you get to simulate your life long dream of
necrophilia. Now you never have to break into the morgue again.

The Rodeo
Similar to the Bronco. You start once again, banging a chick
from behind. At a pre-arranged time you grab her hair with one
hand just as several buddies bust into the room. See if you can
hang on for 8 seconds cowboy. Yee Haw!

The Rose Creeper
Seductively brush a beautiful long stem red rose against your
sweetheart's neck, breasts, and inner thigh. Slowly rub the rose
along her smooth skin as you tenderly kiss her entire body.
After working her into the mood for some deep love making, unzip
your fly and pull out your raging boner. Begin to punish-fuck
her dumper while whipping her with the rose and screaming nasty
obscenities at her. I bet she never saw that coming.

The Rusty Trombone
This is what happens when you've got a less then respectable
female (AKA be-yatch) tongue deep in your chute. She wiggles her
tongue as she does the reach around to pump you like a Catholic
priest doing an Alter Boy, thus mimicking a trombone player.

Sandbag
Under an assumed name in a tropical region, you meet a young
hottie and engage in the well known cliche of sex on the beach.
Just before insertion, remove the rubber (without getting caught
of course), and proceed to bang away until you blow your load,
without pulling out. As you dismount and prepare for departure,
grab a handful of sand, throw it in her eyes, and run away
laughing hysterically while leaving her blinded, butt-necked,
and knocked up. Especially lots of fun when accomplished during
the spring break season.

The Screwnicorn
When a dyke puts her strap-on dildo on her forehead and proceeds
to go at her partner like a crazed unicorn.

The Seatbelt
While one homosexual straddles his partners cock, he receives a
blowjob from the partner on the bottom.

Shirley Temple
Pour a can of 7-Up on a girl's menstruating pussy and eat her
out.

The Shocker
When you insert your index and middle fingers in the woman's
vagina and pinky in her anus. After giving her a few good
minutes of double duty finger banging, pull your fingers out and
give your index and middle finger a quick sniff and pinky a good
sucking, all in one smooth motion.(a.k.a. Smoking the Pinky.)

Shop Vac
When a dirty, talented tramp stuffs you're entire package (balls
and all) into her mouth, and blows you with amazing suction
power.

Shrimping
The term for licking or sucking your partner's toes.

Skiing
While facing in the same direction, a girl gets between two guys
and jerks them both off, thus imitating some hardcore
cross-country action.

Slumpbuster
When a professional athlete finds the dirtiest, nastiest,
fattest, most disease-ridden skank and puts the wood to her with
the intent that it will break up a slump.

Snerd Nurgling
The act of moving your anal lovers turds about within his/her
lower intestine with your dick. Really popular with the lavender
boys, hence the expression, "Oh Lance, Nergle me you Snerd"...

Snoodling
When an uncircumcised homosexual pulls his extra foreskin over
the cock of another homosexual and proceeds to jerk him off. Can
be used at as a great derogatory term as in, "You Snoodler!"

Snowball
Ah yes, every man's worst nightmare, the dreaded snowball. This
happens when a girl blows you and spits the jizz in your mouth.
Another definition is when a girl blows some other guy, and then
gives you a hot sloppy kiss with some of that guy's fresh jizz
still in her mouth. With all those dirty broads out there, odds
are it has happened to you. Just ask your friends if it has,
cause they probably already know and have been laughing their
asses off at you.

The Snuff
Lovingly fuck the shit out of your virgin or ragging girlfriend
and wipe your bloody member across her face. Take a couple
Polaroids, show them to your friends, and brag that you're a
snuff film superstar.

Stranger
Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off,
giving you the feeling of a hand job from someone else.

Stranger On The Rocks
Numbing your hand by sticking it in a bucket of ice and then
jerking off. Spanken not stirred.

Strangers In The Night
When you and your gay buddy each numb your hand (you should know
how by now) and spank each other off. Thus eliciting the feeling
of a hand job from someone else, from someone else.

Stingy Nut
When a chick isn't worth fucking; pull down her pants, bend her
over, and jerk off all over her ass.

Sud N' Fud
When trying to bang a girl, she gives that same old story, "I
not that kind of girl.", "I don't fuck on the first date.", "I'm
catholic.", "Stop asshole.", etc. etc... After hearing all this
bullshit, you whip out your handy bar of soap. Then lather up
her armpit (or any other joint you prefer), and proceed to fuck
that instead.

Surfing
This happens when you nail a fat woman. As you watch the
rippling effect of her rolls with every thrust, along with the
feeling of being drenched, off balance, out of control, and in
danger, you are given the sense of riding the ultimate wave.

Swimmer's Ear
When a girl is giving you a good sucking and right before you
erupt, you remove yourself from her mouth, place your purple
head in her ear, and fill her ear with some sweet love seed.

Tea Bag
To perform the tea bag, have the girl lay flat on her back. Then
you squat over her with your hands on your knees, and gently dip
your nut sac in and out of her mouth in a motion similar to
performing some kind of fucked up yoga exercise.

3-Eyed Turtle
Basically plug every orifice of a girl in the following manner:
thumb in ass, fingers in pussy, and dick in mouth.

The Tortoise
When you eat out someone who doesn't have pubic hair yet - i.e.
you got there before the hair (hare) did.

Tossing Salad
A common prison act where one person basically chows asshole
with the help of whatever condiments are available. (I.e. jelly,
syrup, olive oil, etc.)

Tropical Wind
When getting your asshole eaten out by a worthless tramp, you
break wind.

Tuna Melt
You're down on a chick lapping away and discover that it just
happens to be that time of the month. By no means do you stop
though. When the whale spews, tartar sauce with a hint of
raspberry smothers your face.

Twisted Sister
Have your dominatrix girlfriend dress up in some hot black
leather gimp wear and proceed to handcuff your hands behind your
back and then force you to your knees. Unsuspecting, diminutive,
and cradled over with your ass is in the air, she then gives you
the most erotic enema of your life. Now that's some great S&M
fun.

Vegetarian Hot Lunch
A variation of the Hot Lunch in which the diner stretches a
piece of saran wrap over her mouth such that chewing (for
texture) is possible, but no actual contact with waste product
occurs.

Wake Up Call
Waking up in the middle of the night with the hard on of your
life. You then turn to your fast asleep partner and dry fuck her
ass into oblivion. The clincher to performing a wake up call is
to act like nothing of the sort happened in the morning. E.g.
"Sweetheart, what's that on your back?"

The Walrus
After spunking in a girl's mouth, you pinch the center of her
two lips together and hold her nose. This will force the cum to
dribble out of the sides of her mouth, thus the teeth of the
walrus.

Western Grip
When jerking off, turn your hand around, so that your thumb is
facing towards you. It is the same grip that rodeo folks use,
hence, western.

Westside Glaze
Same as the eastside glaze, but the majority of your jizz lands
on the left side of her face.

The Woody Woodpecker
When a girl is sucking on your balls, tap your cock on her
forehead.

The Zombie Mask
While getting head from your favorite, unsuspecting,
trash-barrel whore, tell her you want her to look right up at
you with those "pretty little eyes" when you blow your load.
Then, just when you're ready to spew a good week's worth of goo,
blast that hefty load in both eyes. This temporary state of
blindness will produce the zombie effect as she stumbles around
the room with arms outstretched, and moaning like the walking
dead.

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	():sex jokes (1888): there once was a man......

Posted by Kylee Phillips on 14-Aug-2005

there once was a man......

Once there was a man who died and went to hell.When he got
there he saw the devil sitting in a corner behind a big desk.He
walked over to him and said

" excuse me. "

" what is it? " said the devil " im a very busy man, i dont have
time for this "

" well i just died and..."

" yes,yes i understand just follow me i dont have time to
sentence you properly "

The devil lead the man to three doors and opened the first
one. Inside there was a man chained against a wall and a woman
standind on the other side with a whip, every couple of minutes
the woman would start lashing violently at the man until the man
was half dead. than like magic he would heal and it would start
all over again.

" no i dont want that one " the man said. And they went to the
next door.

Inside there was, again, a man chained against the wall and
like the other door there was a woman standing on the other side
of the room, but instead of a whip, she had a knife with jagged
spikes sticking out of the blade. every few minutes she would
lunge forward, stick the knife into the mans stomach and twist
it back and forth, than yank his organs out with it and it would
start over again after it healed.

the man gulped and said " no i dont want that one either "

So the devil lead him to the last door and opened it.
Inside this one there was ,again, a man and a woman, but this
time the man was not chained to the wall. instead he was
sprawled out comfortably on a chair. they were both naked. the
woman was giving him a blow-job.

the man suddenly said " i want that one! "

so the devil walked up to them tapped the woman on the
shoulder and said " your excused! "

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	():sex jokes (1888): Magical Saliva Of Agaf

Posted by Molly Boardman on 14-Aug-2005

Magical Saliva Of Agaf

One day a boy named Agaf was incredibly horny. He loved the
queen. Just one suck of those huge firm tits would make him
happy for life. He went to the village elder (wise man) to find
out how to cure his quarms.

"I need to suck the queens breasts," Agaf said. "How much are
you paying?" the elder asked. "Nothing is free!" "A million
pounds," Agaf lied. He was going to get the suck and then not
pay becase once he had the suck nothing else mattered. "OK."

So the elder sneaked into the castle and poured some itching
powder into the queens bra. The itch would last two whole days.
When the queen put on her bra a horrible itch ran around her
breasts. She was screaming all through the night. The pain was
obsurd.

In the morning the king had had enough of the screaming so the
king asked the elder for help, as you do! Everything was going
to plan so far!

"Elder," the king said. "My wife is in immense pain because she
has got a pain in her breasts." "I know what to do!" the elder
said. "Go to the hut of Agaf. He is the only one wth the magical
saliva to cure the itch. You will have to let him suck your wifs
breasts for ten minutes and tommorow it will have gone." The
king wasn't happy about this but he agreed.

So Agaf was called up and he sucked them for ten minutes flat,
and the itch stopped that night because it only lasted for two
days anyway.

So then the elder called in Agaf and said, "You got your wish.
Now pay me!" "No chance wanker!" Agaf said and walked out.

So the elder thought long and hard for a punishment, something
that would be bad for Agaf. He thought and thought, until he got
it... He would put itching powder in the kings underpants!

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