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| Posted by Gemma M. Holmes on 11-Aug-2005 | Dirty DishesThere's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper,and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic harley with a "for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful!! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape."
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of vaseline.
So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents house. See, it's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.
"Honey," she says," I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. Of course no one says a word.
"Her Mom's gotta good bod...", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mom and ravishes her right there on the dinner table. Again, no one says a word. Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain, he better take care of the motorcycle. He pulls the vaseline from his pocket. The father stands up and shouts:
"All right, I'll do the f@(#ing dishes!!"
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| Posted by Shannon Swiney on 11-Aug-2005 | Dear Ex-ValentineLook no further. The hands-down, all-time winner of the Valentine writing contest has been found...
Dear Ex-Valentine,
I'm so miserable without you. It's almost like having you around.
-- Your Ex
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| Posted by bob b. bobs on 11-Aug-2005 | Dating DilemnaThere was this guy and he had a girlfriend named Lorraine who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.
One day he went to work and found that a new girl had started working there. Her name was Kleerly and she was absolutely gorgeous.
He became quite besotted with Kleerly and after a while it became obvious that she was interested in him too.
But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't do anything with Kleerly while he was still going out with Lorraine.
He decided that there was nothing left to do but to break up with Lorraine and continue with the Kleerly.
He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
Then one day they went for a walk along the riverbank when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river. The current carried her off and she drowned.
The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing . . . "I can see Kleerly now Lorraine has gone."
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| Posted by Big Fat ASS on 11-Aug-2005 | Covering It UpHaving gone to his secretary's apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. "My God!" he shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!"
Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone and called his wife. "Honey!" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I escaped!"
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| Posted by Christopher C. Lewis on 11-Aug-2005 | Cheap DateWorried that his son was spending too much money on dates, a father asked the boy how much his last date had cost.
The son calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so, I think."
"Well," said the Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."
"To be honest Dad," the son went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."
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| Posted by gamma on 11-Aug-2005 | Cards for the ExA man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines' cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, "I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives."
The clerk behind the counter said, "Oh, yes sir, they do have an 'ex' category, but they're in Sporting Goods."
"Really?"
"Yes sir. They're called darts."
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