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| Posted by Ryan I. Mehmi on 09-Aug-2005 | Disabled Swimming CoThree blokes enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs, and the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He pick up the head, swims back up to the surface and places it at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts:
"Three long years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some prick puts a swimming cap on me !!"
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| Posted by mehru batra on 09-Aug-2005 | 3 RoostersThere were three Roosters... a straight rooster, a retarded rooster and a gay rooster.
The straight rooster says cockeldoodeldoo.
The retarded rooster says doodledoodlecock, and the gay rooster says anycockeldoo!
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| Posted by Private Private on 09-Aug-2005 | Only Here For ?Jerry is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he gets to play two long solos.
After the sessions, which go great, Jerry can't wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Jerry where he can go to see it.
A month later, Jerry, with his collar up and wearing glasses, goes to the theatre where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be disguised and hiding.
The movie starts, and it's the filthiest, most perverse porno flick ever...group sex, S&M, everything...and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the women in every orifice, and most of the men.
Embarrassed, Jerry turns to the old couple and whispers, "I'm only here for the music."
The woman turns to Jerry and whispers back, "We're only here to see our dog."
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| Posted by Abby Proffer on 09-Aug-2005 | How Many Fingers?A woman is lying in the road after being run over. The driver of the car that knocked her down comes to her aid.
"Are you all right?"
he asks.
"You're just a blur," she says, "So my sight is clearly affected."
Concerned, the driver leans over the woman in order to test her eyesight.
"How many fingers have I got up?"
he asks her.
"Oh shit!" she replies, "I must be paralysed from the waist down as well."
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| Posted by Tricione on 09-Aug-2005 | Mother - Daughter HeA mother and daughter are sitting down over afternoon tea. The mother wants to show her daughter that she's a hip parent and tries to get her daughter to open up and talk about dating boys and what it's like for her.
Mom: So.... now that you've started dating, what's it like getting intimate with young men?
Daughter: Oh you know how it is, boys are always insensitive and never care if intimacy isn't working for me.
Mom: How?
Daughter: Oh, stuff....
Mom: Really now, you can trust me. I think that it's important for mothers and daughters to talk about these matters...
Daughter: I don't know.....
Mom: Now don't forget, I was a teenager once and I can remember what dating boys was like for me, believe me, I remember.
Daughter: Really?
Mom: Really...
Daughter: Ok, for starters, how did you get their cum out of your hair?
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| Posted by Curtis Hogan on 09-Aug-2005 | The Drunk in the FouA drunk is standing, pissing into a fountain in the middle of town, so a cop comes up to him and says "Stop that and put it away!" The drunk shoves his dick into his pants and does up his zip. As the cop turns to go, the drunk starts laughing.
"Okay, what's so funny?"
asks the cop.
"Fooled you."
says the drunk "I put it away, but I didn't stop."
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