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| Posted by Kelli on 12-Aug-2005 | Dishwasher RepairWhat do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
Slap the bitch!
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| Posted by Kyle Eades on 12-Aug-2005 | Why Women Live LongerWhy do women live longer than men?
Someone has to stick around and clean up after them.
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| Posted by Box Turtle on 12-Aug-2005 | Quotes About WomenWomen truly are better than men. Otherwise, they'd be intolerable.
- Ed Abbey
In everything but brains and brawn, women are vastly superior to men.
- Ed Abbey
Girls, like flowers, bloom but once. But once is enough.
- Edward Abbey
Women who love only women may have a good point.
- Edward Abbey
Women: We cannot love them all. But we must try.
- Edward Abbey
The feminists have a legitimate grievance. But so does everyone else. - Edward Abbey
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
- Woody Allen
Woman: A creature whom a man can't get along with or without. Animal usually living in the vicinity of man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
- Ambrose Bierce
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
- Dumas
Women! You can't live with them, you can't do most positions without them.
- Dan Fielding (from the "Night Court" television series)
The great question... Which I have not been able to answer...is, "What does a woman want?"
- Freud
Women are one of the Almighty's enigmas to prove to men that He knows more than they do.
- Ellen Glasglow
Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little.
- Dr. Johnson
Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is simply a good excuse not to play football.
- Fran Lebowitz
It's so hard for women, even nice women, to realize that their bodies are not irresistible.
- Philip Marlowe "The Big Sleep" (1939) a novel by Raymond Chandler
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women.
- Groucho Marx
Men always want to please women, but these last 15 years, women have been hard to please. If you want to resist the feminist movement, the simple way to do it is to give them what they want and they'll defeat themselves. Today, you've got endless women in their 20s and 30s who don't know if they want to be a mother, have lunch, or be secretary of state.
- actor Jack Nicholson
There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L Convertible.
- P.J. O'Rourke
Did you know that woman speaks eighteen languages? ... And can't say 'no' in any of them.
- Dorothy Parker
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash.
- Emo Phillips
A woman is like a dresser; some man always goin' through her drawers. - Blind Lemon Pledge
Feminism: A socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.
- Pat Robertson
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women.
- Mort Sahl
Women's magazines always seem to me to be instructing aliens on how to act like women. It's as though the people reading know nothing: what to wear at a picnic, what to eat when you get to the picnic. It's for pods who want to impersonate humans. On the other hand, there's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
- comic Jerry Seinfeld, in Esquire
I think that maybe if women and children were in charge, we would get somewhere
- James Thurber
Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.
- Earl Wilson
A lady is a woman who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist hopes they are.
A man uses guns, knives, and explosives to get what he wants, but a woman has some very special weapons of her own.
Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing with men.
By the time you know a woman like a book, you're too old to start a library.
Feminists are okay, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's rested.
One of the ironies of life is that it's usually the warm girls, not the cold ones, who get the fur coats.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
Women do not snore, fart, or belch; therefore, they must bitch or else they will blow up.
Women who think they are the equal of men, lack ambition.
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| Posted by Dick Day on 12-Aug-2005 | Oh Human SexualityWhen it comes to human sexuality, men are like microwave ovens and women are crockpots.
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| Posted by QuikSilver on 12-Aug-2005 | Relationships to WeddingsRelationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis".
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women's Restrooms always have long lines.
Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Cheerleaders:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male
cheerleaders are scary.
Comedy:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.
David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
Directions:
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I recognize that 7-11 store."
Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Eating out:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.
Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
Going Out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she **will** be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...
Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken- scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Hats:
Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.
Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."
Leg Warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
Locker Rooms:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room, sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Low Blows:
Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt." The man groans and doubles over, and actually *feels* the pain.
Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree ofthese changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction; he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather drivin gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.
Moustaches:
Some men look good with moustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with moustaches.
Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because most movies in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him. For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh
for the first time in "Gone With the Wind". For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in May Clark's face in "Public Enemy".
Nicknames:
With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Plants:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Politics:
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.
Restrooms:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms associal lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Womenwho've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Bob, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?
This difference may be due to the fact that women don't have to hold their genitals in the bathroom, which might make one feel self-conscious. Not having this problem, women can chat away quite comfortably while "powdering their noses". And yes, they are talking about men in their chats.
Another theory is that when women "powder their noses", all they have to do is sit there. What else is there for them to do but talk to other women. Men, however, must be much more attentive to such matters. If a male turns too much to talk to someone, he'll be leaking on his shoe. Men must be very serious and patient because heaven only knows if the stream of urine will suddenly change direction. And after all is done, men must try to remove any excess moisture unless he soils his underwear. And unlike women, there is no tissue paper nearby with which to wipe. A man must use his own skills at "towel snapping" to do the job. But no man wants to shake it forever because he might look like he's playing with himself. The shaking routine also varies culturally as most men inthe U.K. are 'pullers' as opposed to 'shakers'. Of course, no matter how much a man shakes or pulls, chances are still good that he'll get that little dribble down the leg, which will expand to the size of Lake Ontario if he is wearing synthetics.
After the shaking or pulling comes the tucking-it-all-back-in routine, where the male tries to not leave anything delicate in the path of the approaching zipper. As the men are all leaving the restroom, trying to button up their Levi's, they are still trying not to look as if they're playing with themselves. For a man, a trip to the bathroom is a very serious matter. You wouldn't gossip and chatter at a board meeting would you?
For the male, there are also the considerations like seeing how far up the trough he can pee, bombing the cigarette butt, peeling off the killer fart that he didn't want to loose off at the bar and, his favorite, making that grunt/sigh noise as the first gush lets go, sort of a "Nnnngwwwwwaaaaa". Actually, that's about the time the first fart goes too.
Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.
Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
Sports Arenas:
Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women usually end up following men.
Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.
Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. However, the only toys women still keep around when they grow up still require batteries, only few in number and smaller in size.
Underwear:
Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.
Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".
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| Posted by Bluestar on 12-Aug-2005 | Rules For RelationshipsFor those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect in every relationship.
1. The female always makes the rules.
2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
7. If rule number 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be calm, angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
14. The female always gets the last word!
(*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit. All rules are null and void under the PMS Exception Law
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