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| Posted by Mira Maines on 09-Aug-2005 | Do the dishesThis guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved enough money, so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks up the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.
The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
After a couple of months he meets a lady and she asks him to take her home to meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house.
Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to speak and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long 15 minutes the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses the girl in front of her family. No one says a word.
Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. No one says a word.
By now he is thinking of what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches into his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
And the father shouts, 'Okay damn it, I'll do the dishes.'
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| Posted by Michael A. Kosbie on 09-Aug-2005 | In the zooA certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny and difficult to handle and, upon examination, the zoo veterinarian found that the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy a female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution and Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Mike showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
'First,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kiss her.
Secondly I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from the union.'
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
'Well,' said Mike, 'you've gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.'
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| Posted by Patrick Reyes on 09-Aug-2005 | Wedding nightThree guys who have just got married are sitting in their hotel bar after all the receptions having a beer. As they talk, it transpires that all three are virgins, and are a bit naive about how many times they can expect to have sex with their new bride that evening.
One devises a plan of how they can relay this information to the others at breakfast without getting a slap.
`All we do is order as many rounds of toast for how many times you had it last night,' he says, and the others readily agree.
At breakfast the next morning, all three guys look very happy with themselves. The first bloke orders cornflakes, and in a loud voice asks for four slices of toast, and the others give him a wink and a thumbs-up.
The next guy orders scrambled eggs, and again in a voice so the others can hear, orders six slices of toast. Again, his mates give him a `good-on-yer' look.
The next guy orders a full English breakfast, and then asks for eight slices of toast. His mates give a low whistle of approval, and as the waiter walks away, the guy says to the waiter, `Oh, and could you make two of those brown, please, mate.'
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| Posted by Peter Gundermann on 09-Aug-2005 | nipples'You know, honey,' the little old lady said. 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago.'
'I'm not surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.'
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| Posted by Sara Beth on 09-Aug-2005 | Watching the gameA mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.
'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.
'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
She asked, 'What are you doing?'
He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'
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| Posted by kornknot on 09-Aug-2005 | Young punkA young punk gets on the bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next 10 minutes.
Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man,
'What are you looking at, you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?'
Without missing a beat, the old man replies,
'Yeah, back when I was young and in the navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I thought that maybe you were my son!'
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